Winds of Change

Published May 30, 2016 by dividinguplife

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I realized not only that I’m HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) but I am also an Empath. I’ve never been one for labeling, so I never really knew to give myself the name “Introvert” ….but those three things are exactly what I am. 

I have my first therapist appointment next Friday. I figured it was time to get thirty years worth of shit out in the open. I’m not very good at verbalizing my feelings; I have always been able to write them down better. But maybe this therapist can shed some insight into why I am the way that I am. 

But, will I sound crazy if I tell this woman that I can literally feel what other people are feeling? Being an Empath has been a very strange thing for me, especially because I grew up in such a turbulent home as a child. Not only did I have to take on my feelings of situations, but I also had to take on the feelings of my manic mother in the process. I always felt like I was half a step away from the edge when I was around her. On the rare instances that I do see her, I still feel that way. Being around her makes me feel like I’m going crazy – and I think it’s more to do with her mental state than it does the fact that she just aggravates the hell out of me. 

She was supposed to come over this weekend. I haven’t seen her since my uncle died last July. Prior to that, I hadn’t seen her in a few years. I decided to bite the bullet and ask her to come up for the weekend just so she could see our new house, stay the weekend and relax a little. She was all for it until Friday (the day I’m supposed to go pick her up) and then she called to tell me she was too sick to get out of bed. 

It was like a flashback to my childhood. Everything I ever asked to do was always promised, up until the day came that we were to actually do it, and then my mother fell ill. Beach trips, outings to lunch, going to stay the night with a friend – all promised and all with zero return. But she always felt well enough to go party with her friends and come stumbling in at whatever time she felt like, if she even came home at all.

To say I wasn’t disappointed this time around, would be a lie. I expected it to happen, but I really hoped that she would come through this time. I was going to drive the hour to pick her up and take her back. All she had to do was get her ass up and get in the car … and she couldn’t even do that. It’s hard enough that I don’t have a dad, but I also hardly have a mother and it has always been that way. 

And because of her (or at least a huge part) I feel that maybe therapy may help me. I mean, to other people I seem perfectly fine. I’m quiet, I’m funny once you get to know me. I keep to myself, and I have very few friends – none of which I really see unless it’s a get-together for someone’s birthday or holiday. I prefer it that way. I’m content spending all of my time with my husband and my kid when I’m not at work. My friends are always kept at arms length, and there have even been a few of them that have betrayed me, but don’t know that I know they have. It’s better to just let them pretend to care about me. It’s not ever worth starting drama. I just keep my distance. 

People tell me all of the time how strong I am. They just don’t realize how fucking broken I am on the inside. Two dad’s abandoned me, my mom neglected myself and my brother, I lived with an abuser for three years, the one man that was a constant in my life, my uncle, was killed last July in a car accident by a seventeen year old kid that didn’t check his blind spot. I’ve taken care of two grandparents in my home, one of which passed away in 2010. I watched her die. I told her it was okay to go home to God. I miss her every day. My other grandmother lives with me now and has Chrons disease. I hope that she will have many years left with me, and until she goes, she will live with me. I will probably watch her die too. 

And these are all things that I just keep locked away, and I deal with them on my own, in my own time. But I fear that one day all of these suppressed things will come to a head, and I will have a meltdown. 

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