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All posts for the month June, 2016

Week One

Published June 28, 2016 by dividinguplife

I’m on Day 7 of my Adderall. Things seem to be going well for the most part. For the first few days I couldn’t sleep very well. Slowly my sleeping pattern has started to level out. I wake up feeling better and less like death. My appetite was nonexistent, which has taken some getting used to, but that has also worn off somewhat. I’m still not hungry like I was, and I am thankful for that. 

I started my calorie counting back again. At first, with my weight, it was suggested that I was allowed to consume 2500 calories and still lose about a pound a week. I decided to up the goal to 2 pounds a week and have put myself at 1900 calories a day, and have stayed below that goal each day. Sometimes it’s only by a couple of hundred calories, other nights I’m between 400 and 600 calories below goal. I’m okay with that as well. I think my biggest piss off is that I can’t just wake up skinny. It takes time and I hate that. But I didn’t get myself this big overnight and I sure as hell ain’t gonna lose it overnight. I have a scale, but it’s not very accurate, so I’m going to wait until my doctors appointment to weigh in and see how much weight I’ve lost. 

This week I have realized just how much I think about food in relation to how hungry I’m not. Since I’ve started back calorie counting, I am surprised to realize how much shit I’ve been cramming into my face for the past few years. I would have to guess that I’ve probably shoved 3,000 or a bit more calories a day into my mouth. Thinking about that makes me sad because I have always enjoyed food. Now that I watch what I put in my mouth, I am more careful about what I choose so that I still have calories left in my day. 

And I love cheese. I fucking love it. I put cheese on everything. This week I’ve put cheese on one thing – my chicken and rice, and I only used one serving, which was pathetically small to me, and also 240 calories. In one fourth of a cup of cheese. That blew my mind. I can say that I don’t know how I got this way, all that I want to … but I know how I did it. Incredibly irresponsible eating habits. 

We go to pick up my husbands kids on Saturday. It’s a five hour drive to meet their mother half way, and then we will have them for five weeks. I’m excited because I love those kids so much. They are great kids that have to live with their horrible mother. We try to show them as good of a time as we can while they are with us. They always say that they want to live with us, and when they are 14 they can legally choose where they want to live. For now, we just have to get them in the summer, winter, and spring, and enjoy our time. 

Day 2

Published June 23, 2016 by dividinguplife

I’m on day two of my Adderall XR. I feel like a different person. I was pleased to find out that this medication wouldn’t take weeks and weeks to start working. I felt a difference about an hour after I took my first dose. Since I was so young when I took it the first time, I had forgotten that it actually made me feel like a normal person. I had forgotten what feeling normal is like. 

Instead of my energy spewing out of me before lunch, and then leaving me feeling like I’m half-dead to where I have to actually lie on the floor in my office and take a nap on my lunch break – now it’s as if all of my energy get’s spread out evenly throughout the day. When I got home last night, I was okay. My mood was stable, I didn’t feel like I needed to crawl into bed and pull the covers up to my chin. When it was time to go to bed, I didn’t want too. This part may take some adjustment. At 1:30 this morning, I was lying there looking at the ceiling, listening to a summer thunderstorm outside of my window. I slept on and off and never deep, until my alarm went off at 6:30. But when I got up and took my medication, it was as if I had never missed a moments sleep. I’m pretty sure that will catch up with me here soon if I continue to have nights like that. 

And the best part is, I don’t feel hungry. Not often. Not like I was. The desire to eat used to consume my mind all day. I would get hunger pains even if I’d eaten a couple of hours before. And not for healthy carrots and cucumbers. I wanted fattening cheesy stuff all of the time. I ate from the time I got up until just before I went to bed. It made me feel better, or at least it made me think it made me feel better. It’s sad when the idea of food consumes your thoughts so much that there isn’t much room for anything else to take precedence. Addiction to food is a very real thing. 

Yesterday I had a left over baked pork chop, mashed potatoes, and pork n beans for lunch. For dinner we stopped by Moes and I got a burrito, but when I got home I dumped the inside of the burrito into a bowl, threw the shell away, and ate about three fourths of my food and then tossed it. That was it for my food intake. On a normal day I’d stop and get breakfast, make sure I had a few snacks at work, eat lunch, have a snack in the afternoon, eat dinner at home, and then eat something else just before bed. I really don’t know how I’m not bigger than I am. I downloaded a calorie counter so that I can at least make sure I’m getting enough calories. I don’t want to starve myself, but I don’t want to go anywhere close to my allowed calorie intake. I’m glad that I can do it without my brain telling me I’m about to starve to death and then it makes me ill … or “hangry” as we call it in the office. 

I’m tired of having to shop in the big girl section. I’m tired of gazing longingly at the juniors department and seeing all of the cute things I can’t wear. I want to be able to buy a bra at Victoria Secret’s and not have to go to Lane Bryant. I don’t want to have to ask my husband to stop for lunch of the weekends because I’m starting to get ill because I think I’m hungry. I’m 5’10” and 296 pounds. I wear a size 20 in jeans. I’m tired of it. 

I haven’t eaten today, yet. I felt a little growl of the tummy about thirty minutes ago, and then I told it to go away. I have to really think about what I want for lunch, because I don’t want to blow my calorie intake on one meal. At almost 31 years old, I want to live a happy life, and I want to look my best doing it. 

There was a girl on WordPress not too long ago when I had my other journal, that I befriended and got to know fairly well. She was a very self-centered, fat-shaming, selfish girl that put on the pretense of being different than her horrible mother and sister – and she refused to see that she was just like them. One day I offered some advice on her disillusioned love-life that she didn’t like, and the inner monster came out of her. Behind my back she told a mutual friend of ours that I was a fat cow or something to that effect, not even thinking about that fact that his wife is also a big girl. Of course when he pointed that out to her, she said this wasn’t the same thing because I was a horrible person. 

But because of people like her and my abusive ex that told me I had potential – I want to be able to show them what I can be on the outside. That looking and feeling better won’t change who I am on the inside. Those two people look great on the outside, sure, but they are horrible horrible disgusting people on the inside. And words hurt. They always stick with you. Even if I don’t talk to either one of them anymore, what they have said will always stay with me. I love who I am on the inside, but I long to be different on the outside. 

I surprised husband with tickets to see the new Independence Day movie tonight. He is like a ten year old going to his first movie. I’m excited to spend some quality time with him tonight. My daughter will be back from her dad’s tomorrow, and with us for the week, and then my husbands kids will be here for five weeks after that. So tonight is our last night to spend some time together before the madness begins. 

Living with ADD

Published June 19, 2016 by dividinguplife

Yesterday, I had my first appointment at the therapist office. The PA asked me what my main concern was, and I told her that I’d like to know if I still have ADD. I had it when I was younger, and only stopped my medication because I got pregnant with my daughter. I haven’t had my medication in thirteen years, but as of late, I have found it increasingly difficult to do so many things without it completely exhausting me. I attributed this to how hard I work, how many different things I have to do, being that I’m a Ophthalmic Technician in such a small office. I told her that the most difficult thing is falling asleep at night. Once I get to sleep, I’m fine. But it’s getting to that point, despite my exhaustion, that’s the hardest. I told her that it was compared to her having her internet browser open, and having 50 tabs open all at once. That is how my head feels all of the time. There is so much stuff processing, so many different things coming and going in my head. I’m pretty good at multi-tasking, but this feels like it’s just breaking me. Being able to constantly shift gears all of the time leaves me feeling burnt out at the end of the day. 

She listened, and typed things in. She asked questions about when I was growing up. She asked if I saw things that weren’t really there, heard voices that weren’t there, felt paranoid, etc. Of course all of those answers were no. Then I had to take an hour long computer test for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. That was hell to get through, but she was nice enough to review it while I was there doing my drug test (standard procedure, I don’t do drugs). There were twelve different parts I was tested on. You could either score Above Average, Average, Low, or Very Low. I scored Average in 2 categories, Low in three, and Very Low 7. My PTSD test was borderline. She wrote me a script for Adderall XR, and I set up to see her again in a month and meet the therapist who will start therapy with me for my childhood trauma’s and past abuse. I briefly explained my stay at the mental hospital when I was a teenager for suicide attempts. I feel like I have accomplished something in this. I was worried that she would look at me as just another person out there trying to score Adderall. I had no idea there was a computerized test. The last time I was tested, was when I was in elementary school, and I hardly remember it. 

I am a person with very little to say. So much so that my husband constantly asks me if I’m okay. I’m perfectly fine. But there is so much processing through my head, I can hardly keep up with it enough to verbalize it instantly. I think that’s why I’ve always been good at writing; it’s why I prefer to write. I can type something and delete it instantly and think about what I’m really trying to say. When you speak, once the words are out, that’s it. You can’t take it back. 

I can’t even explain what all is flying through my head at any given moment. Sometimes it’s random, sometimes it’s things from my past, sometimes it’s things in my future. But they are all there, all of the time, and my mind is constantly switching from tab to tab, over and over again. I can’t fall asleep until I go through every tab, close them out after reviewing them, and then shutting myself down like some damn computer. And heaven forbid if I think about work before I fall asleep and realize I forgot to do something, or can’t remember if I did. I will panic and have to tell myself repeatedly that there is nothing I can do about it tonight, it will have to wait until I get to work in the morning. Sometimes, it’s just hell living in my head. Not that there are bad things always flying through there, but because it’s just chaos in my mind. I couldn’t figure out why I was so damn tired all of the time, and then I really got to thinking about it, and wondered if perhaps the ADD didn’t go away during my childhood. 

I’m looking forward to my head being more organized. I’m looking forward to the energy I will gain back from not having to mentally wear myself out every day. I’m looking forward to the decreased appetite (I eat when I’m bored, happy, sad, angry) and I do remember that when I took this medication, I was a lot smaller than I am now. But mostly, I’m just looking forward to knowing what it feels like to be normal again. 

Knots

Published June 12, 2016 by dividinguplife

My mother finally convinced my grandmother that she would actually come over this weekend. My husband and I had plans to go to the beach for the day on Saturday, so we figured it would be nice for my grandma to have some company while we were gone. 

We drove the hour and ten minutes to pick her up. I dreaded it the entire time. My mother is the kind of woman that sucks the energy right out of your body to use for herself. I am extremely introverted, and she is very extroverted. She takes and takes and takes energy, meanwhile I’m sagging in the corner of the seat, trying to block her out. 

I’ve never seen where she lives. She has lived with this man for almost two years, I think. It’s a single wide trailer probably made in the 80’s. When my husband and I went in, it was like entering the house of a hoarder. The man she lives with has shit in every available space in the trailer. There were holes in the wall, roaches crawling around, and it smelled like pot. My mom had made mention that she had some matted hair she wanted me to work on this weekend, because she has had a stroke and her left hand doesn’t work like it should. She claimed that it was a result of her washing her hair and putting it up in a clip and going to sleep. It is the result of my mother not brushing her hair for a month or more. Her hair probably came down to her butt, but it was so matted in three different places that it only came down to her neck. 

I spent my entire weekend putting cooking oil, conditioner, and who knows what else, in her hair to try to pull her hair. I cut half of the knots to try to free more of her hair. I was concerned that my mom would end up with no hair on her head – it was that bad. Last night I covered her hair in conditioner, wrapped it in plastic wrap, and she went to bed to let it soak in overnight. This morning I washed her hair, cut cut pull, washed hair, cut cut pull, washed hair for a third time, and finally finished with the last of the knots. 

Mom Hair

For hair that went all the way down her back, I was only able to salvage this much of it, and honestly I was surprised that I saved that much. My entire life, I waited for the day that karma would knock on my mom’s door. I realized this weekend, that it finally has. I feel like I should be more sad about this, and I am sad for her, but not nearly as much as I am still pissed at the childhood she gave me and my brother.

I took her back home today. I breathed a sigh of relief after she was safely inside her trailer with her pot-smoking boyfriend. The entire drive there, I wanted to listen to music, and she wanted to talk about everyone and everything in such a negative light. Her negativity really drives me insane. She wears me out on all fronts. 

My husband and I never made it to the beach on Saturday because my grandmother had an allergic reaction of some medication for her bladder infection. She started hallucinating and running a fever, so we called the ambulance out to get her. They kept her until the prescription wore off and she started getting back into her right mind. 

Here is to hoping that next weekend is less insane. 

Adulting Sucks

Published June 8, 2016 by dividinguplife

So, what’s new in the neighborhood? Well, my husband continues to deal with the chronic pain of his ruptured L5 Disc. He had an injection about three weeks ago to try to help heal it. To top that off he has hemorrhoids and anal fisshers, which keep him in vast amounts of pain unless he it taking 10mg of percocet every four to six hours. Opioids scare me. I’ve seen what addiction does to people – namely my mother. But, he has to take them in order to keep the pain away from his back, because we are really trying to avoid back surgery if at all possible. 

My daughter has entered a bout of depression, that I can’t for the life of me figure out why she would be depressed. I worked really hard to make sure that she didn’t have the same childhood I had, and yet I’m facing some of the same things with her, that I went through. She told a friend that she tried to drown herself in the bathtub, but when questioned about it, she said that she only said that. Still, that isn’t something you just say because you just feel like it. Something isn’t right. She has told her friends that none of us (my husband, me, her dad, or her step-mom) ever tell her that we love her – except that her dad maybe says it once a week. False. 

She has a large bald spot at the top of her head, and she says that a girl at school pulled her hair out, but I have a hard time believing that. I wonder if she’s pulling her own hair out – like if she has some kind of disorder. 

Her dad and I met with a therapist last week to see about getting her into counseling. We both have to separately fill out a 12 page assessment on her and meet back up on the 24th to go over the questions, and then our daughter will start individual therapy with her. 

I’m tired. Last night my grams had a lot of pain in her stomach, so my husband took her to the emergency room. He came home and we went to bed because they said it maybe be a while. I had to go pick her up at 6:30 this morning. She has a kidney infection and all they could do was give her antibiotics. 

Last night when my husband picked me up from work, I had to drive home because he was in so much pain from his anal fisshers that he had to lie down in the seat and remove his pants to let air move through his boxers to take away the stinging. He got aggravated with the traffic (Hello, it was 5:00 traffic), and it’s always no fun riding with him when he get’s upset with how many people there are that live in our city. I just stay quiet and let him rant. He’s always such a calm person unless he is in pain or he is mad at traffic. If you put those two things together, like last night, he’s almost rather like a child. 

So to sum it up: I have a husband with a crap back and a literal pain in his ass. A grandmother that lives with me and has a severe kidney infection. My twelve year old has decided to acquire hormones and throw her middle finger up to the world, despite the luxuries she has (lap top, cable TV, lenient rules at my house) … and everyone looks to me to solve everything. I make sure dinner is cooked, I make sure husband has a plate in the microwave since I go to bed before he does (and I enjoy doing these things), I am the one that makes sure all of the bills get paid when they are supposed to (except for husbands car payment and our cell phone, which he handles). I mean, my husband does a lot too, he really does. But sometimes I swear I’d like to know what it’s like to just come home, change, and sit down straight away. Even when I was in high school, I worked after school and then came home and did homework and got up to start the process all over again. I’m tired. I think I deserve to be tired.