I’m on day two of my Adderall XR. I feel like a different person. I was pleased to find out that this medication wouldn’t take weeks and weeks to start working. I felt a difference about an hour after I took my first dose. Since I was so young when I took it the first time, I had forgotten that it actually made me feel like a normal person. I had forgotten what feeling normal is like.
Instead of my energy spewing out of me before lunch, and then leaving me feeling like I’m half-dead to where I have to actually lie on the floor in my office and take a nap on my lunch break – now it’s as if all of my energy get’s spread out evenly throughout the day. When I got home last night, I was okay. My mood was stable, I didn’t feel like I needed to crawl into bed and pull the covers up to my chin. When it was time to go to bed, I didn’t want too. This part may take some adjustment. At 1:30 this morning, I was lying there looking at the ceiling, listening to a summer thunderstorm outside of my window. I slept on and off and never deep, until my alarm went off at 6:30. But when I got up and took my medication, it was as if I had never missed a moments sleep. I’m pretty sure that will catch up with me here soon if I continue to have nights like that.
And the best part is, I don’t feel hungry. Not often. Not like I was. The desire to eat used to consume my mind all day. I would get hunger pains even if I’d eaten a couple of hours before. And not for healthy carrots and cucumbers. I wanted fattening cheesy stuff all of the time. I ate from the time I got up until just before I went to bed. It made me feel better, or at least it made me think it made me feel better. It’s sad when the idea of food consumes your thoughts so much that there isn’t much room for anything else to take precedence. Addiction to food is a very real thing.
Yesterday I had a left over baked pork chop, mashed potatoes, and pork n beans for lunch. For dinner we stopped by Moes and I got a burrito, but when I got home I dumped the inside of the burrito into a bowl, threw the shell away, and ate about three fourths of my food and then tossed it. That was it for my food intake. On a normal day I’d stop and get breakfast, make sure I had a few snacks at work, eat lunch, have a snack in the afternoon, eat dinner at home, and then eat something else just before bed. I really don’t know how I’m not bigger than I am. I downloaded a calorie counter so that I can at least make sure I’m getting enough calories. I don’t want to starve myself, but I don’t want to go anywhere close to my allowed calorie intake. I’m glad that I can do it without my brain telling me I’m about to starve to death and then it makes me ill … or “hangry” as we call it in the office.
I’m tired of having to shop in the big girl section. I’m tired of gazing longingly at the juniors department and seeing all of the cute things I can’t wear. I want to be able to buy a bra at Victoria Secret’s and not have to go to Lane Bryant. I don’t want to have to ask my husband to stop for lunch of the weekends because I’m starting to get ill because I think I’m hungry. I’m 5’10” and 296 pounds. I wear a size 20 in jeans. I’m tired of it.
I haven’t eaten today, yet. I felt a little growl of the tummy about thirty minutes ago, and then I told it to go away. I have to really think about what I want for lunch, because I don’t want to blow my calorie intake on one meal. At almost 31 years old, I want to live a happy life, and I want to look my best doing it.
There was a girl on WordPress not too long ago when I had my other journal, that I befriended and got to know fairly well. She was a very self-centered, fat-shaming, selfish girl that put on the pretense of being different than her horrible mother and sister – and she refused to see that she was just like them. One day I offered some advice on her disillusioned love-life that she didn’t like, and the inner monster came out of her. Behind my back she told a mutual friend of ours that I was a fat cow or something to that effect, not even thinking about that fact that his wife is also a big girl. Of course when he pointed that out to her, she said this wasn’t the same thing because I was a horrible person.
But because of people like her and my abusive ex that told me I had potential – I want to be able to show them what I can be on the outside. That looking and feeling better won’t change who I am on the inside. Those two people look great on the outside, sure, but they are horrible horrible disgusting people on the inside. And words hurt. They always stick with you. Even if I don’t talk to either one of them anymore, what they have said will always stay with me. I love who I am on the inside, but I long to be different on the outside.
I surprised husband with tickets to see the new Independence Day movie tonight. He is like a ten year old going to his first movie. I’m excited to spend some quality time with him tonight. My daughter will be back from her dad’s tomorrow, and with us for the week, and then my husbands kids will be here for five weeks after that. So tonight is our last night to spend some time together before the madness begins.