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All posts for the month July, 2016

My Father

Published July 28, 2016 by dividinguplife

My biological father had surgery on Monday to remove the tumors from his colon and his liver. He has stage 4 colon cancer at the age of 49. I went up to the hospital after work, but he was still in surgery and we were unable to see him that night, so I went up there before work Tuesday morning, since the hospital is right across the street from my job. 

It’s a very strange feeling to walk into a hospital room, and see this man laying there that you know had a part in the creation of yourself. To look at his face and see so many similar features that I look at in the mirror on a daily basis. Our eye color and shape are the same, our fingers, our ears, our hair color, our introvert personalities. We are so identical in so many ways, and yet I don’t know him well at all. His mother lives with me, and she and I are very close. We always have been. She has more than made up for his lack of appearance in my life. But him? I’ve seen him twice in five or six years, on Thanksgivings I think. Maybe one Christmas a few years ago. No gifts, no birthday text messages, nothing really to do with me for the last thirty-one years of my life. He isn’t mean, he just wasn’t interested in having a daughter. When my half-sister came into the world, suddenly he had an active interest in being a father. By that point he had signed his rights over and my step-dad adopted me. He is another monster I don’t even want to get into right now. 

So, legally, this man isn’t my dad anymore. His name is no longer on my birth certificate. But between him and my step-dad, I prefer him. He didn’t lead me on, he never made promises that he couldn’t keep. He just simply wasn’t active in my life. I still love him anyway. I always will. 

Tuesday when I sat down in the chair beside his hospital bed, I watched him sleep for a moment. I was searching his face in unrestricted access – like a starving child glancing at water. I reached out and touched his arm softly and his eyes opened up, and he smiled this huge beautiful smile – his teeth are absolutely stunning, and immediately reached out for my hand. My heart broke into a million pieces for this man that I am so much alike in so many ways. My heart broke for myself for the potential missed opportunities I could have had growing up with an actual father. Instead of the stand-in adoptive father that treated me like garbage because I wasn’t his blood. 

I was happy that I was the first one to see him after his surgery. I was happy that he was genuinely happy to see me. He and I are both people of few words. I don’t entertain thoughts of us having a relationship beyond my visits to the hospital. It just isn’t in the cards for us. I tried for so many years to get him to take an active interest in my life, and he didn’t want to. But I have let him know that I am always here if he needs something. I will always be here for him. 

Life is too short. 

Week 5

Published July 27, 2016 by dividinguplife

I started my weight loss journey on June 22nd. My weigh-in was 298 pounds. I’m 5 foot nine inches tall. 

I went out last weekend and bought a scale that would be accurate, instead of the cheap 8.00 scale I had at home that was not accurate at all. 

Today is day 35 of my weight loss. I stepped on the scale this morning and it read 275.4lbs. 

I’m down almost 23 pounds. Last Tuesday when I went to the doctor, I weighed 278. She was surprised by my 20 pound drop in 4 weeks. I guess when you go from what was most likely over 3,000 calories a day to 1,600 – 1,800 calories a day, these results are bound to happen. 

As an Ophthalmic Technician, I do my fair share of walking around during the day. I’m moving patients from room to room, doing their testing, and some of our wheel-chair bound patients require some lifting and moving. But, that’s about the only exercise I do right now. My husband and I walk on the weekends when we go out window shopping or to the flea market. But I’m not really making much of an effort to actually exercise. So, that’s my next goal. I’d like to start walking at least twice a week for an hour. 

Yesterday I turned 31. My boss brought in donuts, my coworker brought in a cake from one of my favorite bakeries. My boss laughed and said that calories don’t count on your birthday. To me they do. They always count. I did eat a donut that morning and I did eat a small slice of cake that afternoon. At lunch I went to Jersey Mike’s and got a sub, but I could only eat half of it. Lucky for me, I’m picky and don’t put any additions on to my subs except for lettuce. I managed to stay under my calorie goal by 500 calories yesterday. But let me tell you – I felt miserable when I got home. Even though I kept to my calorie intake, the food I ate was crap and my body felt it. I was dragging ass when I got home. 

My goal is to be at 190 pounds by February. Another blogger on here keeps a weekly calendar of her weight and her goals. I like that idea, but I’m not disciplined enough. So, I figured at least doing a weekly or bi-weekly update is enough for me. I continue to take pictures of my stomach from the front and the side. I take a side picture of my face to keep track of this turkey neck I always develop during weight gain. I’m really, really trying this time around.

Start Weight: 298
Current Weight: 275
Goal Weight: 190

85 pounds to go. 7 months until goal

That’s about 12 pounds a month. It’s going to be hard, and I may not quite get to that – but I want to get as close as I can. 

Month One

Published July 20, 2016 by dividinguplife

Went to my follow-up psych appointment last night, to see how the Adderall was doing for me. All went well, and I’m glad to say that I’ve lost 20 pounds in my first month. The doctor seemed confused, as she says that Adderall itself doesn’t cause weight loss any more than 5lbs, and while that may be true, when you take the Adderall, it does decrease how hungry you feel. 

It has helped so much with my calorie counting. I’m allowed 2,000 (well, 1960 after my weigh-in last night) and I usually eat around 1200 to 1600 a day. The first two weeks were rather difficult. Now it isn’t so hard. I’ve trained myself to turn my attention away from food whenever I start to think about it. When I am eating, I really pay attention to how I feel with each bite. The first feeling of being full, I stop. I dump what’s left in the trash or put it away for leftovers. 

And the great thing? I can still eat a lot of the same things I was eating before. Or rather, I can eat at a lot of the same places. Last week I went to Taco Bell on my lunch. Instead of getting a Mexican Pizza, Meximelt, Cheesy Gordita Crunch, and an order of nachos and cheese – I only got the meximelt and the nachos. Rather than consuming almost 2,000 calories at lunch, I kept it under 700. I don’t eat breakfast, I eat lunch, and I eat dinner, and no snacks after that. So far it seems to be working. I know that I’m losing the weight so quickly because I am bigger, and I know that eventually I will plateau. But my goal is to at least get 100 pounds off by next June – though I’m really aiming to have it off by February. The biggest thing I have noticed so far is that it doesn’t take quite as much makeup to cover my face. Does that sound silly? I feel like there is less excess skin to pull my makeup sponge over. My grandma said that she can see the weight loss in my face (I love to have that saggy turkey chin when I put on weight) and that does seem to be getting smaller. 

Everything else seems to be going okay. My daughters Uncle’s funeral is Friday. 31 years old and dies in his sleep from a heart attack. It doesn’t even make sense to me. My daughters step-mom is devastated. She and her brother were so close. I can’t even imagine losing my brother. 

I e-mailed my bosses wife inquiring about my raise because it has been a year and a half. Finally my boss sat down with me yesterday and told me that they would review that at the end of the year because they looked at the books, and the money they are making right now, compared to this time last year is exactly the same. Everything is going up in price, but what they are bringing in isn’t. I know it’s hard in the medical field. Insurance always wants to look for ways to not pay you. I get that. But I have busted my butt for 4 years here, and I don’t call out sick, I rarely take vacation days, and I know the programs in and out better than anyone here. It was a little disheartening yesterday, but he also said a lot of positive things about my job performance. He said the patients tell him all of the time how much they love me, and how calming I am to them. I guess I’ve always measured my worth in money when it comes to jobs. Plus having extra money is always nice. But I love my job more than I love the money, so of course I will stick around – at least until the new year. 

Fat-Shame Society

Published July 10, 2016 by dividinguplife

I went to my primary doctor for a followup with my hypertension medication. In 2 weeks, I’ve lost five and a half pounds. I’ve lost a total of 12 pounds in a month. The hardest part about being bigger is that you don’t notice the small amount of weight fall off; it takes a lot to notice a difference. I talked with one of my guy friends that has lost 100 pounds in a year (compliments of his bitch of  a wife leaving him) and he said he didn’t really start to notice until he’d lost 40 pounds. It’s difficult when you don’t see the results in person that reflect the scale. But it’s like my doctor said; you don’t gain the weight overnight and you aren’t going to lose it overnight. 

My husband and I took his kids to the beach yesterday. They are of the generation where dragging them away from electronics is like an act of war. It’s so much different than when I was their age – I looked forward to the beach trips with my family. I stayed in the water, I stayed outside running around on the boardwalk. As a teenager I always brought a friend with me (and once I brought my husbands brother since I was crazy in love with that kid), and we all stayed out all day long, went out on the party boat across the sound at night, and shot pool until our fingers were sore. My daughter enjoys getting out and doing things, but she also loves to just be in her room with her electronics. My husbands kids complained a lot yesterday about wanting to go home until we finally broke bad on their ass and made them get in the ocean, and then they had a great time. 

My daughter and her step-mom are currently in Oregon (all the way across the country from me), visiting family. The weekend is coming to an end quickly, and then it’s back to the grind of working. 

Yesterday, for the first time in my entire life, I wore a two piece bathing suit. It was one where the bottoms come all the way up over the belly button, but it was a huge deal for me because I have never been comfortable with what I think other people are thinking about me. But now that I’m on this weight loss journey I have figured out that people can stare all they want; this time next year I won’t look like this anymore. At least I hope not. 

Suit

I’m really trying to be less critical of myself. It makes me sad that people fat-shame the way that they do. Underneath all of this fat, I am the same as everyone else. 

Thankfully, anyone that thought I looked like a disgusting cow, kept their opinions to themselves, and I really enjoyed my day. It was nice to wear a two piece and feel like a human being for once in my life. With the depression of self-image comes the stigma of feeling like you have to cover every inch of your body because it’s disgusting to look at. Of course I still stare in envy at the women walking on the beach with their hourglass figures, perfect breasts and shapely asses …. I will always feel that way I think … but for the first time in my thirty years of life, I have finally stopped caring what everyone else thinks about me. I don’t know if it’s the security of having a husband that loves me just as I am, finally, after years and years of mental and physical abuse from a man that told me all of the time that I wasn’t anything nice to look at. I don’t know. But I’m tired of being unhappy and worrying about what other people think. 

I put my calorie counting in the mindset of money. It’s like, I have 1900 dollars a day, and I need to be careful about how I spend it on the food I eat. If a cheeseburger has 700 calories but baked chicken has 250 calories – I’d like to keep as much of the 1900 a day as I can, so which one do I really need to eat? It seems to be helping when I think of it this way. 

12 pounds down – 88 to go. 

Start Weight: 296

Current Weight: 284

Goal Weight: 196