I went to my primary doctor for a followup with my hypertension medication. In 2 weeks, I’ve lost five and a half pounds. I’ve lost a total of 12 pounds in a month. The hardest part about being bigger is that you don’t notice the small amount of weight fall off; it takes a lot to notice a difference. I talked with one of my guy friends that has lost 100 pounds in a year (compliments of his bitch of a wife leaving him) and he said he didn’t really start to notice until he’d lost 40 pounds. It’s difficult when you don’t see the results in person that reflect the scale. But it’s like my doctor said; you don’t gain the weight overnight and you aren’t going to lose it overnight.
My husband and I took his kids to the beach yesterday. They are of the generation where dragging them away from electronics is like an act of war. It’s so much different than when I was their age – I looked forward to the beach trips with my family. I stayed in the water, I stayed outside running around on the boardwalk. As a teenager I always brought a friend with me (and once I brought my husbands brother since I was crazy in love with that kid), and we all stayed out all day long, went out on the party boat across the sound at night, and shot pool until our fingers were sore. My daughter enjoys getting out and doing things, but she also loves to just be in her room with her electronics. My husbands kids complained a lot yesterday about wanting to go home until we finally broke bad on their ass and made them get in the ocean, and then they had a great time.
My daughter and her step-mom are currently in Oregon (all the way across the country from me), visiting family. The weekend is coming to an end quickly, and then it’s back to the grind of working.
Yesterday, for the first time in my entire life, I wore a two piece bathing suit. It was one where the bottoms come all the way up over the belly button, but it was a huge deal for me because I have never been comfortable with what I think other people are thinking about me. But now that I’m on this weight loss journey I have figured out that people can stare all they want; this time next year I won’t look like this anymore. At least I hope not.
I’m really trying to be less critical of myself. It makes me sad that people fat-shame the way that they do. Underneath all of this fat, I am the same as everyone else.
Thankfully, anyone that thought I looked like a disgusting cow, kept their opinions to themselves, and I really enjoyed my day. It was nice to wear a two piece and feel like a human being for once in my life. With the depression of self-image comes the stigma of feeling like you have to cover every inch of your body because it’s disgusting to look at. Of course I still stare in envy at the women walking on the beach with their hourglass figures, perfect breasts and shapely asses …. I will always feel that way I think … but for the first time in my thirty years of life, I have finally stopped caring what everyone else thinks about me. I don’t know if it’s the security of having a husband that loves me just as I am, finally, after years and years of mental and physical abuse from a man that told me all of the time that I wasn’t anything nice to look at. I don’t know. But I’m tired of being unhappy and worrying about what other people think.
I put my calorie counting in the mindset of money. It’s like, I have 1900 dollars a day, and I need to be careful about how I spend it on the food I eat. If a cheeseburger has 700 calories but baked chicken has 250 calories – I’d like to keep as much of the 1900 a day as I can, so which one do I really need to eat? It seems to be helping when I think of it this way.
12 pounds down – 88 to go.
Start Weight: 296
Current Weight: 284
Goal Weight: 196