Summertime Sadness

Published August 20, 2016 by dividinguplife

This week hasn’t been my best as far as calorie counting. I’ve lost a pound, but I know I could have done much better. I ate quite a few times when I really didn’t need too. I stayed within my calorie intake allowed, except for last night when husband and I went to eat dinner. Sadly, I went over my calories by 200, and I know I’m going to pay for that on the scale next week. 

There’s the goal I want to make by February and there’s a more realistic goal I have set for myself. My goal weight for February is 247, according to my calendar. That’s 52 pounds in eight months, which is completely doable. In my head, I’d love to be down to 198 by February 19th. That is way out of my reach, but I have to set different goals for myself. It’s just how I am. So, right now, based on my calendar, I have four weeks to lose two more pounds. I know I can do that easily. Then my Sept-Oct month goal is to lose another 6 pounds. 

The last few weeks I haven’t seen so much drop in the scales, but I have seen my body shape change. 

Weight2

The one thing that is aggravating are my back rolls. Over the past five or so weeks, I’ve taken pictures to see if they are going away. I haven’t been able to tell very much. Very subtle differences. 

Weight1

It makes me sad to think that when I’m walking around naked, that is what my husband has to see. I’m just so tired of looking this way. 

The biggest change I think I have noticed is my face. 

weight3

I’m thankful that it’s starting to lose some of it’s weight, because I’m one of those people that puts on major weight in my face. I have a heart-shaped face anyway, and I hate that about myself. 

In the morning I’m scheduled for a Swedish massage. It’s my reward to myself for my first step in weight loss. And in that respect, I have come a long way. I didn’t have my first massage until I was thirty (last year), because I lived with the thought that I was too fat to have one. Ten years ago, when I was with The Abuser, I asked him to rub my back one night. He told me he’d rub my back when I weighed what I was supposed to weigh. It was from that point on that I adapted the idea that anyone who rubbed my back would be disgusted and wouldn’t want to do it. It wasn’t until Country Guy (which was the guy I dated while my husband ((before we were married)) was living in his home state for a year and half) would give me regular back massages and repeatedly tell me that I was beautiful. When I found out my husband was coming back, I had already discovered Country Guy and his online flirtations and porn issues. Breaking up with him hurt, because it hurt him … but I knew that I was sick and tired of being someone’s second best. I couldn’t compete with the porn and his online addictions of gaming. But anyway, he did believe that I was beautiful, and it slowly did away with some of the years of abuse I endured. There are still so many days that I look in the mirror and hate who I am. 

And I really do hope that one day I do get down to the weight I want to be, so that I can maybe one day run into him (I’m still friends with his family, so I could make that happen easily), and he could see what he mistreated and what he cheated on and left. He and I were together three years and he beat me, cheated on me, and left me. He was with his wife for less than two years and he married her. Believe me when I say that their marriage has been anything but happy over the past six years. They have split up more times than I can count. Each time they do, I’m the first person he calls to talk to about it. Then they get back together and I won’t hear from him again until the next time. He blocks me on Facebook (per her request I would imagine), and that’s that. Why would I talk to someone that beat the hell out of me and verbally abused me worse than anyone ever has? Because at one time I loved him. Because I forgave him a long time ago so that I could learn to start healing myself. Because three years ago he sent me a long message full of apologies about how he treated me and how I deserved someone so much better. Because I’m an adult and I choose too. Last Thanksgiving was the most recent time he and his wife split up. That was immediately followed with a message to me about him looking for a house for us to move into together. It wasn’t a question of whether or not I wanted to be with him again. It wasn’t a question of if I was with anyone. He just assumed, like he always has, that I would come running back to him. 

I told him that his separation didn’t change the fact that I was getting married in March. He seemed genuinely confused as to why I wouldn’t just call off my marriage to a man I fought so hard to get back into my life. Because to The Abuser, there is no one more important than him. Back when he cheated and left, as soon as I started dating someone else and he found out, he called me and told me that he was irreplaceable. He couldn’t believe that I would move on. A few months after that he told me I could come back whenever I wanted, to just say the word, and he’d throw the girlfriend (now wife) out of the house. You can see how fast I went running back. 

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend!

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