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All posts for the month November, 2016

Bittersweet Symphony

Published November 27, 2016 by dividinguplife

One major holiday down, two more to go. 

I spent Thanksgiving morning cooking my ass off. My grandmother decided that we were going to have my dad and his girlfriend over for Thanksgiving. Normally I would protest this and give a compelling reason that we should just go to Golden Corral for dinner, but since my dad has cancer, she doesn’t know if this will be his last Thanksgiving, and she wanted to make it memorable for herself and for him. 

So, we cooked and cooked. I made a chocolate coconut cake for him. We had all of the regular Thanksgiving stuff along with sweet and sour cabbage and god only know what else. Before my dad and his girlfriend got here, I went upstairs and took a nap. 

When they got here, I came downstairs half groggy and mad that I had to get up from my warm and comfortable bed. My dad had brought me and my grandmother each a dozen roses. He brought Pink  Moscato Champagne and Orange Juice for me.

roses

He gave me the usual hug, and we went about setting everything up. While my husband was putting the roses in a vase, my dad came up beside me and wrapped his arm around my waist and I leaned into him and he kissed the top of my head. That sounds like normal father-daughter shit right?

I mean, it was as natural as breathing. But other than a few awkward holidays spent together, we really just never see each other. For the first time in thirty-one years, my dad kissed the top of my head in like …. a dad way, you know? 

I still don’t feel a bond to him. He is still very much a stranger to me, but I know he’s trying. He’s trying harder than he ever has with me. I have seen him three times in the past few months, which is more than I’ve seen him consecutively in the past ten years. Usually I would see him every other year, maybe once a year for some holiday. We would sit there awkwardly while my grandmother tried to chat and break the silence. 

Now that he’s dying, he’s making every effort to get some quality time in. I can’t say I blame him. It’s like my boss said; sometimes the end is when the most clarity comes into play. My boss asked me to have an open heart towards my dad, and to give him whatever forgiveness the man thinks he needs. Stabe 4 Colon Cancer is no joke. I don’t know how long he has, but his doctor told him less than a year. Every time he eats, he is in pain and has to immediately go to the bathroom. Even though the tumor was successfully removed from his colon, and half of the tumor removed from his liver, apparently it wasn’t enough to keep him alive. Otherwise, I don’t think the doctor would give him such a grim prognosis. 

Yesterday, my husband and I did a little shopping. I noticed that a shirt I haven’t been able to comfortably wear in a couple of years, fit with extra room. It was a nice feeling. 

bathroom

It was also nice to not have my stomach hanging over my jeans. My jeans fit comfortably with a little room to give. The area around my neck has a lot less fat than it did. I can see some outline of my collarbone, and I can feel it without pressing on the fat layers, when I touch it. 

It’s almost one in the morning. I can’t hang like I used to. It makes me sad that my thirties have proven to be the be-all-end-all of my late night internet browsing. The bed calls my name a lot earlier than it ever did when I was in my teens and twenties. *sighs* 

Not Your President??

Published November 22, 2016 by dividinguplife

We’re a little over two weeks post-election results. The riots are continuing, masked under the term ‘protests’. Prestigious colleges are implementing ‘safe spaces’ for their students to come and color, blow bubbles, and build with legos as a way to calm their frayed nerves. People are screaming “Not my President!!!” when everyone flipped their script when Trump stated that he may or may not concede to Hillary if she won the election. They ran their mouth, said he would just have to get over it, because that’s what you do. You get over it.

But then, something happened. Something amazing happened, actually. Hillary lost. Yes, she won the popular vote, but she lost the electoral vote. And let’s face it, if you don’t know or understand why the electoral vote exists, do some research and stop complaining about how unfair the electoral system is. Understand that if we depended on popular vote, the cities with the mass populations would always win. The people that lived on the outskirts would pretty much have no say or no reason to vote at all.

And if the situation would have been reversed; if Trump would have won popular vote and Hillary the electoral vote, you would tell us to shut up and get over it, because that’s how democracy works, right? If you say you wouldn’t feel that way, you’re a liar.

Do you know why Trump won? Because many, many people (like myself) lost their first choice in Bernie Sanders. Many people cast their vote for Trump (or third party) as a vote against Hillary. How anyone could look past the things that horrid woman has done, is beyond me. If you followed Wikileaks closely (no the Russians didn’t tamper with the e-mails, get over it), you would see the lies, the deceit, the betrayal that filtered out of the DNC. They sabotaged Bernie, they leaked questions to Hillary pre-debate. They had seven year old little boys at their hot tub parties deemed ‘entertainment’. The Clinton’s have flight records proving their departure and travel on the Lolita Express, which is owned by a pedophile. The Clinton Foundation has been a proven farce to support Chelsea Clinton with her lavish weddings and yearly income for doing a bunch of nothing. Weiners wife has known ties to extremists – her own mother and brother apart of very well-known groups that support and fund ISIS.

Where’s my proof?? Do the research yourself. It’s all there, all with legitimate sources and links and whatever it is that you need.

“But Trump raped women!!” No, he didn’t. He has been accused of raping women. The woman that claims she was raped by him twenty years ago as a teenager has once again dropped her lawsuit for the third time. Wikileaks busted several women being paid by the DNC to come forward and claim rape. A few of these women even admitted as much. So, try again.

His statement about grabbing women by the P*ssy?? Okay. Yes, that was disgusting. Do you realize how many times I’ve heard that kind of talk from men talking to other men? Does that mean they are all rapists pigs? No. They are in a contest to see whose dick is bigger. They brag, they boast, they say lewd disgusting crap. Men are pigs, we know this.

If I had to endure eight years of Obama, you most certainly can handle at least four years of Trump. I handled the last eight years without rioting and looting and stealing things from businesses. I did it without needing a safe-space to cry in, drowning in my tears of injustice. I got up, I went to work, I took care of my family, and I suffered at the hands of this asinine Obamacare that has caused more suffering to middle class american’s, and benefited the lower class. I did my part. Shut up and do yours.

He’s not your President? Yeah, he is. And then sun will still come up tomorrow. Get with the program, and stop acting like spoiled, butt-hurt America. It’s embarrassing.

Fatherly Bond

Published November 12, 2016 by dividinguplife

My husband and I went to my dad’s work on Friday afternoon to meet him for lunch. My dad works for a company that was voted #1 company to work for in America. He’s been there for 26 years and is pretty proud of it. The campus is huge, with an indoor olympic sized swimming pool, gym, daycare, beauty parlor, soccer field, baseball field, and about five or six cafeteria’s scattered across campus. Oh yeah, and their own Starbucks. If I had some kind of degree in technology, I’d work there. Their turnover rate is nonexistent, because people don’t leave. 

We had a pleasant lunch. He drove us around the campus to show us what all they had. He dropped us of at our car with a hug and a noncommittal “see you at Thanksgiving” goodbye. He looks sick, he looks like he’s slipping away – and quickly. He has lost so much weight from this cancer. He doesn’t look like him. 

I noticed that in his office (a dark hole in the wall with no windows – his preference. I know where I get my introversion from) he had two paintings on his wall that were painted by my half-sister. I did a good job of not letting it hurt me too much. She’s artistic with drawing and painting. I am artistic in my writing. But I guess there isn’t anything of mine he could display on his wall. I’m not even sure he would, anyway. I also realized that he and I have absolutely no bond. When I look at him, I know he’s my dad. But 31 years of nothing and then suddenly, there he is – stage 4 cancer and dying right in front of my eyes …. I don’t feel what I think I’m supposed to feel when you’re in the presence of your father. Isn’t this what I have wanted my entire life?? Why don’t I feel anything?? Being that I have amazing empath qualities, I can also feel what he feels, as well. It’s a gift and a curse that I will always carry. The only thing I felt from him yesterday was exhaustion and slight aggravation. I know he’s tired from his cancer. I get that. But I felt no love, no excitement, just …. nothing. Instead of me feeling like his daughter, I felt like a stranger … which I guess I am. But we share the same blood. I am half of him. Shouldn’t that automatically count for something? I was slightly disappointed, to say the least. 

Anyway, the weight loss thing is still going. It has slowed to a crawl, and I fluctuate four to five pounds which is a pain in the ass. But, my progress photo’s are still hopeful. 

weight-loss-1

The last four and a half months haven’t really been terribly difficult. I’ve adjusted to eating less crap during the day, and so it’s almost a normal part of life. I haven’t counted calories in a while though, which is probably why the weight loss has slowed down as well. But, I’m happy with how I am looking, and so glad that I am not where I was five months ago. 

weight-loss-2

Being able to fit into clothes that were so tight, they were uncomfortable .. is nice. I don’t dread putting jeans on anymore. 

Starting Weight: 298
Current Weight: 264
Total Loss: 34 Pounds

As the World Turns

Published November 5, 2016 by dividinguplife

The year is almost gone. Growing up, I couldn’t fathom years in the 2000’s. My daughter being 12, can’t fathom how her old mother was born in the 1900’s. Perspective never changes I guess. 

In October of 2010, I lost one of my grandmothers. She was my favorite in a different way than my other grandmother (the one that lives with me now) is my favorite. My Grams was raised in a time where you had to be proper, and act like a lady at all times. She hardly curses, she knows how to write in short-hand, she believes in being a domesticated woman. I get that trait from her. Being domesticated is something I take great pleasure in. 

My Grandma, the one that passed away, well ….

grandma

In every other way, I am just like her. She was raised in the country with no more than an elementary school education. She raised hell and didn’t apologize for it. She cursed and smoked cigarettes. The one time she smoked pot, she got paranoid and ran outside naked and peed in the bushes. 

Watching her die took a piece of me with every last breath that she took. Having the honor of taking care of her for the last year of her life, I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. My grandma was an alcoholic my entire life, but the last year of her life, she lived with me and she didn’t drink a drop. She knew she was sick, she knew she didn’t have long. We watched Wendy Williams together, I took her to the store and to cash her meager social security checks. She taught me how to cook some of her favorite country dishes. She gave me her two favorite knives and I still have them. They cut better than any other knife I have and I have never had to sharpen them. When Andy’s mom lived with us for a brief moment, she accidentally (or so she said) packed my grandma’s knives in her boxes. When I couldn’t find them, I nearly had a panic attack. Those are all that I have left of her.

She would have been happy for me, in my current state. She’d like my husband. I know he’d like her. She was a no-filter kind of woman. One of her favorite lines were “Piss on it. If you can’t piss on it, shit on it. If you can’t shit on it, fuck it.” And off she’d go. Those were her words of wisdom to keep stress from invading your life. 

Today I also realized a huge difference in the man I chose to marry verses the men that I have been in relationships with prior to him. All of the other men, I was hasty to jump into bed with them on the first or second date. It was how I was raised, it was what I saw. If you wanted men to love you, you gave up the goods so that they knew what they had. 

With my husband, I already had the advantage of knowing him since I was 12, but the important part was that I fell in love with him before we ever slept together. I fell in love with his words, with his mind, with his incredible sex appeal that he swears nobody else in the world can see except for me. 

husband

He is my ride-or-die man. He’s smart, charismatic, brilliant, and my match in every single way. If something ever happened to him, I really do not know how I would go on. Just being in his presence gives me butterflies and makes me weak in the knees. 

One of my patients came in this week. Her husband passed away in late August. They had been married for 26 years. She talked about him the way I talk about my husband. She said they were joined at the hip, they did everything together, that he was her best friend in the entire universe. Then she dissolved into a fit of tears and apologized 20 times. I told her to not ever be sorry for loving someone so much that it nearly rips her apart to be without him. That kind of love is rare. She will never be the same. She will miss him for the rest of her days on this earth. It broke my heart. 

I’ve lost 4 patients in the past month. I’m still recovering from it. Life is just too short.