Fatherly Bond

Published November 12, 2016 by dividinguplife

My husband and I went to my dad’s work on Friday afternoon to meet him for lunch. My dad works for a company that was voted #1 company to work for in America. He’s been there for 26 years and is pretty proud of it. The campus is huge, with an indoor olympic sized swimming pool, gym, daycare, beauty parlor, soccer field, baseball field, and about five or six cafeteria’s scattered across campus. Oh yeah, and their own Starbucks. If I had some kind of degree in technology, I’d work there. Their turnover rate is nonexistent, because people don’t leave. 

We had a pleasant lunch. He drove us around the campus to show us what all they had. He dropped us of at our car with a hug and a noncommittal “see you at Thanksgiving” goodbye. He looks sick, he looks like he’s slipping away – and quickly. He has lost so much weight from this cancer. He doesn’t look like him. 

I noticed that in his office (a dark hole in the wall with no windows – his preference. I know where I get my introversion from) he had two paintings on his wall that were painted by my half-sister. I did a good job of not letting it hurt me too much. She’s artistic with drawing and painting. I am artistic in my writing. But I guess there isn’t anything of mine he could display on his wall. I’m not even sure he would, anyway. I also realized that he and I have absolutely no bond. When I look at him, I know he’s my dad. But 31 years of nothing and then suddenly, there he is – stage 4 cancer and dying right in front of my eyes …. I don’t feel what I think I’m supposed to feel when you’re in the presence of your father. Isn’t this what I have wanted my entire life?? Why don’t I feel anything?? Being that I have amazing empath qualities, I can also feel what he feels, as well. It’s a gift and a curse that I will always carry. The only thing I felt from him yesterday was exhaustion and slight aggravation. I know he’s tired from his cancer. I get that. But I felt no love, no excitement, just …. nothing. Instead of me feeling like his daughter, I felt like a stranger … which I guess I am. But we share the same blood. I am half of him. Shouldn’t that automatically count for something? I was slightly disappointed, to say the least. 

Anyway, the weight loss thing is still going. It has slowed to a crawl, and I fluctuate four to five pounds which is a pain in the ass. But, my progress photo’s are still hopeful. 

weight-loss-1

The last four and a half months haven’t really been terribly difficult. I’ve adjusted to eating less crap during the day, and so it’s almost a normal part of life. I haven’t counted calories in a while though, which is probably why the weight loss has slowed down as well. But, I’m happy with how I am looking, and so glad that I am not where I was five months ago. 

weight-loss-2

Being able to fit into clothes that were so tight, they were uncomfortable .. is nice. I don’t dread putting jeans on anymore. 

Starting Weight: 298
Current Weight: 264
Total Loss: 34 Pounds

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