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All posts for the month December, 2016

A Very Lovely Christmas

Published December 25, 2016 by dividinguplife

Santa has dropped off the gifts. A Intuos creative drawing tablet (that hooks up to the computer) for my daughter. A new laptop for my step-daughter. A gaming chair with a giant Mario pillow for my step-son. We didn’t have as much candy to shove into the stockings as I thought, so the husband has made a last second trip to Sheetz to grab a little more candy to shove into the stockings. 

We left work Thursday at 2:00 and made our drive up north to get his kids. We got there at 11:45 that night and checked into a hotel and just kind of collapsed on the bed and died. Up the next morning at 7:00, we got ready and drove 30 minutes into town to meet up with his ex-wife to collect the kids. I have to say, after all the shit she talked about me three years ago (about how huge I was, and how I would be pregnant by that summer but you wouldn’t be able to tell because I was so fat), it was a very refreshing change to see her get out of the truck, looking like a frumpy bitch, no makeup, hair thrown up on top of her head, and her having gained AT LEAST 40 pounds since I last saw her. While I’m still a big girl, I got out of the car having lost those 40 pounds, with my hair styled, makeup on, and eager to see my step-children. His ex-wife and I have nothing to say to each other. She doesn’t like that my husband moved ten hours away from her grasp so that we could be together, and she’d lose whatever control she had left on him. 

We left there at 9:45 Friday morning and got home around 8:45 Friday night. It was a long drive, but worth it. This Christmas is already shaping up to be much better than years before. 

In 2007, when I was living with The Abuser, I woke up with the stomach flu, vomiting everywhere. He made sure to let me know how much I was ruining Christmas, despite the fact that I went to every one of his family members houses (we’re talking four or five stops with one of them being over three hours away), and my families homes. He yelled at me about not looking cheerful enough, about looking ungrateful, when the entire time I was just trying not to throw up all over the floor. It wasn’t very long after that, that he lied to me about going out with friends, meanwhile he met up with a childhood friend and fucked her and then threw me and my daughter out on the streets. 

In 2008, my mother announced to both me and my brother as we were unwrapping presents, that she had breast cancer. I don’t know why an announcement from her on that particular day, at that particular moment, surprised me. What also didn’t surprise me was the fact that she was lying through her teeth. My mother has had every cancer known to man, it seems. None of them have ever been real. But I have to give her an A+ for dramatic effect on that Christmas. 

This Christmas, I’m with my husband and his children. My daughter will be here tomorrow afternoon when she’s finished with Christmas at her dad’s. My boss gave me a thousand dollar bonus on Wednesday, my daughter’s grandmother (her step-mom’s, mom) usually gives me a Christmas card with five hundred bucks. And the best part about this year? My dad sent a card for me with my grandma when she went over there for lunch today. The card simply said “Thank you for all that you do. I love you so much. Dad” … and I know he meant ‘thank you for taking care of my mother’ since she lives with me and I make sure she is taken care of. He included a visa gift card for two hundred bucks. He also sent one to my husband with a hundred dollar gift card. 

It’s the first time in 31 years that I’ve ever received anything from him. Even a card. The gift card was a nice surprise, but the note inside of the card – how much he loves me and signing it ‘dad’ …. that is priceless. Even though he isn’t the man on my birth certificate any longer (my asshole step-dad adopted me when I was five), he will always be my dad. 

We went over to the in-laws house today. My brother-in-law (aka my first love) was high as a kite and more than a little drunk. He will probably die that way. He looks bloated from liquor, a little yellow in the skin, and he was so lit up tonight, he told me the same story twice within 30 minutes. I used to feel sad for him. I used to feel pity. But he has had more than his fair share of chances to get his life on track. He’s completely functional at his job and his everyday life – but he’s an alcoholic that started smoking pot again. He’s getting worse, not better. 

And so, the presents are all wrapped, Santa dropped off what needed to be dropped off. We are having a little quiet time, and then it will be off to bed so we can prepare ourselves for the busy day tomorrow. I hope everyone has  a wonderful Christmas. 

The Scars Are Deep

Published December 15, 2016 by dividinguplife

My husbands ex-wife actually agreed to let us pick his kids up next Friday, rather than the Tuesday she originally said we could get them. It was much to his amazement that she was so ‘giving’ and accommodating of his wishes. Usually they end up in a screaming match on the phone, where she blames him for ‘abandoning’ his kids by moving ten hours away. He counters back that she started this whole ball rolling by packing her things up while he was at work and moving to her mothers, three hours away, and sent him a text message informing him that she had left him and wanted a divorce (Later he would find out she had been cheating on him as well …. on their seven year anniversary to boot.) 

Every time he counters back with that, it starts a whole new screaming match about how she had to get away from him (I don’t know why, my husband is honest-to-god the most amazing man I’ve ever met, and I’ve known him for twenty years.) He returns with how she took his ability away to see his children every day and reduced it to every other weekend – one of those weekend days he always had to work, so essentially his time got reduced to two full days a month he got to see his children. Living here, he get’s six weeks of the summer, a week in spring, and a week in winter. 

But with her being a woman, she seemingly holds all of the cards. If he pisses her off the wrong way, he’s worried she will just refuse to let him see his kids. She’s already stated that she doesn’t give a damn about the parenting agreement. So he usually has to do a lot of ass kissing to ensure that we get our time with his kids when it is due to us. 

So last night, he was really quiet after he picked me up from work (we carpool two days a week) and I could see the wheels turning and him trying to figure out what her game is. It then dawned on me that his scars run so much deeper than I ever thought with that woman. She really did a number on him when she left him. I mean, I was his friend back when she left, and I saw the devastation on Facebook posts about how he just wanted his wife back. I know he was torn apart by their marriage ending. But I never really knew the long-term devastation that she left on his soul when she did what she did. Granted, he has told me a hundred times that he’s glad she left him, because we have a marriage the way he never knew it could be. But every so often, I see the results of the bombs that imploded on his soul when she took his children and abandoned their marriage – and it makes me really angry with her. I’ve met her a handful of times (when they were married and afterward). She truly is a miserable soul. When he and I first started dating, she made a public comment on Facebook about how I would probably be pregnant by summer, and I was so fat that you wouldn’t be able to tell. 

Having been in a verbally and physically abusive relationship for so many years, hearing her say that just kind of solidified the ‘truth’ that had been drilled into my head for so long. Someone as handsome, and smart, and sexy as my husband wouldn’t ever want to stay with me. 

And nine months later, when he moved back north to be closer to his kids, I immediately attributed his decision to my looks. No matter how many times he said it had nothing to do with that, I myself was still too scarred to understand that not everything is in relation to ones physical appearance. 

And likewise with him, he found an e-mail she sent through a dating site not long after they split up, with tales of how horrible he was in bed. (I can attest that this is so very much a lie) and it further destroyed his self-confidence. I find myself making sure that I say encouraging things to my husband on a daily basis, or make remarks about how hot he is when he takes his shirt off, or something that will give his ego a pull. He doesn’t seem himself the way that I see him, and it makes me so sad for him. There’s so much quality and depth in that man, and he’s great at so many things – but just like with most people that have been abused or destroyed – it’s a lot easier to believe the bad things about yourself than the good things. 

As for me, there are still days that looking in the mirror is difficult. They are fewer and fewer, though. I think with my marriage and the comfortable way in which we are with each other, coupled by the fact that I completely trust him unlike any other person I’ve ever been with – it has given me more confidence in myself – more than I’ve ever had since living with The Abuser over ten years ago. 

But we all have our scars, our flaws, and things that we deal with silently, that nobody can see. It’s something we feel and live with on a daily basis. Our vulnerability stays hidden until something triggers a flashback or confusion with abnormal behavior. I saw that in my husband last night on the way home. He looked like a six year old trying to figure out why mom said he can have candy before dinner. It broke my heart for him. 

We’re Almost Done with the Year

Published December 13, 2016 by dividinguplife

Christmas shopping would be so much easier if I had, Oh I don’t know, money? As it is I’m waiting on my bonus from my boss and the nice check my daughters grandmother (her step-mom’s mom) gives me every year for Christmas. It will be last minute shopping for sure. It’s times like this that I wished I would have understood what a credit score was when I was younger, and paid more attention to establishing credit, so I could at least have an assload of credit cards to fall back on (instead of the one that I have with a small credit line), but no … I wasn’t taught the fun things about credit. Not in school, not by my mother, nobody. In fact, my mom took a credit card out in my name when I was 15 years old and maxed it out (it as a small credit line, I think), so by the time I turned 18 I already had that strike against me. She also got a-hold of my step-dad’s information after they divorced and took a card out in his name and maxed it out. He didn’t find out about it until he and his new wife went to buy a house and he had to pay off the 800 dollar balance before he could get a loan from the bank. Of course my mom swears she didn’t do it, but the credit card was sent to the house she lived in years ago. Now she won’t tell anyone where she lives, probably because when they do trace it back to her, she’ll be arrested or sent to court or something. Way to go, mom. 

Husband and I are trying to figure out what day we’re making our ten hour drive up to get his kids. His ex-wife is being a typical cow, and told him he can pick them up on a weekday. Husband doesn’t have anymore vacation days left so we have to do it on a weekend. We were going to go up there on the 24th and drive back on the 25th but she doesn’t want the kids in the car all day on Christmas (I’m not sure what the difference is as to what day it is for them – either way they get presents when they get to our house), but she calls the shots because she can just say “You aren’t getting them” and the only thing we can do is hire an expensive lawyer and take it to court. That will take time and money we don’t have. So, we have to bend over and take it up the ass until spring when we can hire a lawyer and modify mediation. It’s true what they say; misery loves company. My husbands ex-wife has to be the most miserable cow that I have ever known in my entire life. 

I haven’t stepped on the scale in a few weeks. Mostly because I know my eating hasn’t been where it should be, and mostly because I just don’t care right now. Everything is so stressful around the holiday’s, and the last thing I want to worry about is if I’ve gained a pound, or five, or twenty.  I think I have fallen off the weight-loss train and I’m just kind of laying on the ground looking at the stars. 

My dad had good news from his most recent blood work. He went the holistic route to treat his stage 4 colon cancer, rather than chemo and radiation. His most recent bloodwork shows that his white cell count is normal, as well as everything else. It’s as if the cancer never existed. He’s hopeful, and says that the on-call doctor at his work is absolutely dumbfounded by the results.  That’s hopeful, I guess. He will start a series of vitamin shots for the next round of treatment. On top of that he has gone all organic on his diet. I guess it also helps that his girlfriend is a vegetarian. She’s a bit on the weird side (when she prayed over Thanksgiving dinner it sounded like she was having sex with Jesus), but she still seems to be good for him, which is what he needs.

My daughter has been put on a strict diet herself. The kid loves spicy stuff. I mean she puts red pepper on everything. She loves onions and jalapenos and whatever else she can get her hands on. Because of this, she has developed acid reflux pretty badly. Her dad had the same problem when he was younger and had to have his gallbladder removed.  Since she’s part Asian and her dad is a huge “hot pepper eater” I suppose she got the hot-food-genetics honestly (I don’t like anything with even an ounce of hotness to it.) Now she glances around the kitchen wondering what it is she can even eat, since everything she loves has been taken away (caffeine, chocolate, and red sauce included). Bless her heart. 

I am happy to report a HUGE improvement in her emotions and overall morale since starting this private school in August, though. She actually got perturbed with me last Friday when I picked her up an hour early. She didn’t want to leave. For a twelve year old, that’s saying something. I skipped school whenever I could and did a victory dance if I ever got picked up early. She seems a lot happier there, and for that I am so thankful. Being a teenager is hard enough – not having to deal with asshole children in public school is a blessing at this point. 

But, here’s to hoping the rest of the holiday’s goes without drama! 

In the Grind

Published December 6, 2016 by dividinguplife

Nothing new has really been going on. You kind of get into this “everyday life” kind of deal, and when you stop to think about the past few weeks/months, you can’t really say exactly what you’ve done – but moreover you’re just living life. That’s what I’ve been doing.

After two years, I finally got a raise. Granted, it was only a dollar and that was super disappointing considering how much I’ve stepped up my game in responsibilities at this practice, but still …. what can you do? I know I have it better than a lot of people do, especially considering I only have a high school education. I only work half-day Friday’s (and still manage to pull in over forty hours a week), and I get bi-annual bonuses, so I guess I can’t really complain very much. Still, I know the technician before me was pulling in two dollars more an hour and didn’t do half of what I do, so that’s a bit disheartening. 

I would love to be able to make enough money so that my husband didn’t have to work. I know that sounds silly. He hates working, and I love to work. I couldn’t imagine just spending my life sitting at home day after day. I love getting up and going to work five days a week. Sure, I complain when I have to get up at five in the morning, but other than that, I have worked since I was fifteen, and I can’t imagine not doing it. 

We have to make a ten hour drive in a few weeks to pick up my husbands kids for our part of their Christmas break. Usually we meet their mother half-way when she isn’t being a cunt, but she made it very clear that she isn’t going to spend her entire Christmas on the road, so my husband and I decided to make the drive all the way up there, stay the night, and then drive back the next day. I’ve already told him that if we have to make that kind of drive, if she wants her kids back, she gets to do the driving to pick them up. It’s not fair to us that she calls the shots on everything. I don’t live my life around her and I don’t understand why my husband is so scared to stand up to her. If there is one thing that drives me crazy about him, it’s his lack of balls when it comes to his ex-wife. Until we have a modification of custody (since he moved out of state) I think he’s petrified that she will take the kids away from him. Until then, he just bends to every wish she has. 

I am so thankful that my baby-daddy and I have zero problems. In fact, myself, him, and his wife all co-parent with ease. His wife has a calendar that we all go by, We split our time with my daughter 50/50 (I have her Monday, Tuesday, and every other weekend – they have her Wednesday, Thursday, and every other weekend), and for the past ten years (they started getting her more often than every other weekend when she was two), it has worked well for us. There’s no custody issues, we alternate years claiming her on taxes, we all do our part to get her to and from her private school that her step-mom’s parents have so graciously offered to pay for. Mine and my ex-husbands goal during our demise was to put our daughter first in everything. Would he and I talk if our daughter had never came to be? Probably not. We are not best buds, we don’t all meet up and do co-parent drinking parties. In fact, I talk to his wife more than I talk to him, and it seems to work that way. Big decisions get group messaged so that we can all discuss what’s going on and what our thoughts are. Honestly, we have one of the most perfect co-parenting situations I can think of. 

So many times, when there is a divorce, the woman will get so mean and jaded and want revenge. The children become caught in the crossfire. I know my brother and I did when we were little. My poor brother was moved around, shuffled from house to house, fought over in court, had DSS investigations on my mom (which she should have had), and at the end of the day (or at the end of a few years) my brother was so angry and confused he lashed out and whoever and had so many issues growing up. I thought he would end up in prison one day – he was on that kind of road. Thankfully, he is now 24 years old and an EMT. His wife is about to have their first baby, which means I get to be an aunt, so I’m super excited about that. 

But anyway, I have seen so many times where women become to spiteful and vindictive and mean towards their exes. My husbands ex-wife cheated on him (on their seven year anniversary), came home and waited a couple of months, and then packed her things and their kids things, and moved away almost three hours while he was at work. She sent him a text message when she arrived to her mothers letting him know she had left him and took the kids with her. He was devastated. He loves those kids more than anything in the world. He spent the better part of a year trying to get her to come back so they could have their family whole again, but she wouldn’t. They went to mediation for the kids, he field for divorce, and then we ended up together and he moved here. And she didn’t like that. She didn’t like that she didn’t have that control over him anymore. She blamed him and told him he was abandoning his kids. For a while he thought that he might be. I pointed on that she was the one that got this ball rolling by leaving him and taking their kids with her, moving three hours away. This was her fault. She left, and she took the kids. Whether or not he moved away, out of state has little to do with anything. She took his ability to see his children every single day, away from him to be reduced to every other weekend – and one of those days he had to work all day. Really, he only saw his children every other Sunday. But of course when he tried to find happiness, she threw his children in his face, and has told the kids that he’s a bad father. 

I hate people. I hate vindictive people. I hate drama and selfishness. I hate his ex-wife with a passion, just because I have to sit and watch my husband hurt over the fact that he can’t see his kids without bending to her every wish and whim. 

Adulting sucks, man.