When I’m driving to work in the morning, it’s usually my best time for self-reflection. I’m alone in the car with my thoughts and my music – which is usually some sad Indie stuff full of soul-wrenching lyrics and melodic instruments.
This morning, I marveled at how seamlessly we have transitioned into another year. I told my husband last night that it was amazing how our One Year Anniversary was approaching in March, already. He said that it didn’t seem like it at all. He said that being with me and married to me made every day flow so smoothly that it all just flew by. We have no drama, no fighting, no disagreements. Everything that we do, we do together. We don’t party, do drugs, drink, or have the desire to hang out with other people. We spend our weekends window shopping, hitting thrift stores, going to see a movie, having a dinner date, or sometimes we just sit at home and watch television. We have both expressed interest in maybe visiting a strip club in the near future just to buy a few lap dances and have a bit of fun together. I don’t do jealous. My husband and I check out women together. When he comments on another woman being hot, or having big boobs, or whatever – I check them out as well and either agree or disagree. When I comment on a man being hot, he laughs and says “bless your heart, dear … is he just cake?” We both know there are good-looking people out there, and we acknowledge that. The biggest thing is that we trust each other, and we aren’t eaten up with jealousy at the fact that there are other good-looking people in the world, and it’s okay to see them and to comment to each other about it. Both of us have been cheated on, so I don’t think there’s concern about that on either of our parts.
Of course, my insecurities creep in from time to time, and I wonder if the sound his phone makes is a woman texting him. There’s absolutely no reason to think that, but every now and then The Abusers voice pops into my head and tells me that I’ll never be good enough. That I’m nothing. That without him, I’ll always be nothing. My head tells me that it’s just a matter of time before he does to me what they’ve all done to me. My heart tells me that I’m safe, I’m secure in our marriage, we are going to make it. The two battle each other constantly. Eventually, my heart wins the battle.
In other news, I’m officially an Aunt. My brother and his wife had their baby on December 31st at 3:30 in the morning. She’s so sweet and cuddly. It’s hard to imagine that my baby brother is old enough to have children. But, he’s 24 and I think that’s a pretty decent time to start having kids. To me, he’ll always be this little boy that needs me to cut the crust off of his cheese-toast, though. Now, he has a little girl of his own that is going to look up to him for guidance. I hope that he’s a great dad, and that he doesn’t abandon her like his father abandoned me, because that is a kind of pain that you don’t want to know about.
Here’s to 2017. For some, last year was a nightmare. For others, it was wonderful. I’m blessed and thankful to wake up each day with my soulmate by my side.