Being that I have a fascination with reading blogs that deal in infidelity, and general heartbreak, I see a lot of repeating patterns in these people that are devastated. They’ve lost the love of their life and they blame themselves. They feel like they have done something wrong, aren’t good enough, don’t look a certain way, they put on ten pounds during their relationship, etc….
I felt the same way during all of the lost relationships throughout my years of dating. I’ve been cheated on numerous times by different men, and each time it was a blow to my self-esteem and to my self-worth. Let me tell you though; when you’re the best kind of partner, eventually these assholes that replaced you with the shiny new thing – they eventually realize it. What do they do? They try to come back.
Case in point #1
I dated a guy when I was 15 (he was 20), and we lied about his age to my parents (not that my mom gave a shit). It was exciting. He had a car, he could pick me up and we could go wherever we wanted. He was a decent guy with a small dick. I lost my virginity to him and was sorely disappointed in this thing called sex. Eventually he moved on from me. Our breakup broke my heart. Though he wasn’t my first devastating heartbreak, he was my first real relationship. This was back in 2000. Fast forward to 2013 I get a message on Facebook from him. He’s married with three kids now.
I left it at that. He told me he always believed we would eventually find our way back to each other. A few months later he sent me a text that said he and his wife had split up. He got all lovey-dovey through messaging, and then I get a text late in the night from his wife who informed me that they weren’t split up, they had no marital problems that she was aware of, and that I needed to stop talking to her husband. Of course I replied that I had said or done nothing wrong and that she needed to get ahold of her husband, because this wasn’t my battle. This was after my husbad (pre-marriage) had moved away and I was single. I had no interest in ever being with him again (small pecker and all – just, no.) and because I just didn’t feel that way about him anymore. He dumped me, we all moved on. I never looked back.
Case #2 The Abuser
This has been my most interesting one to date, I believe. He cheated on me multiple times, threw me and my daughter out on the street with nowhere to go so he could move his childhood friend in with him, because he had figured out that she was the love of his life. And she was skinny. I wasn’t. That was a big thing for him since he had a six pack of abs and all.
Fast forward five years. We had been friends off and on since our split-up. I had forgiven him his abuse. I had even gone to his house to babysit their kids while he and his wife (the one he cheated on me with) went fishing for the day. It took a long time for me to stop loving him. Every time I saw him, my heart ripped in two. (Yes, even after his mental, verbal, and physical abuse.) The day he got married, I wouldn’t get out of bed the entire day. I just laid there and cried, and cried, and cried.
He was my friend on Facebook when my husband moved back to his home state. So when he found out about my ending relationship, he sent me a Facebook message. (This was back when I had another blog that he would read.)
Of course his wife saw his messages immediately (she had some kind of app on her phone that sent her messages whenever he did anything on his phone – that’s how secure their relationship was,) and she gave him hell for talking to me in such a way.
Two years later he and his wife are having issues again, and his brother sends me messages on Facebook.
I really tried to be there for him. I did. I tried without hurting his feelings. But he didn’t want to understand that I was getting married in a few months. My husband had moved back down, we were starting our lives together again …. and there will never be anyone else that I will ever want. The Abuser sent me a text when he and his wife split up (again), and just assumed that I’d leave me husband and be with him again.
It wasn’t long after that, that he and his wife worked things out. I talked to him on the phone one more time, trying to explain how to get his own insurance on his truck and health insurance. I tried to call his kids school to get afterschool care set up for his two kids. He ended up going back to his wife. He stopped talking to me again, and I haven’t heard from him in over a year. He blocked me on Facebook, but it’s just as well.
Case #3: My brother-in-law
If you don’t know the past of me and my brother-in-law, click the above link and get caught up.
After he and his wife split up a few years ago, and my husband had left to go back to his home state, I went into a downward spiral and needed to be around someone with whom I was familiar. Every other weekend, I’d go over there and smoke weed, drink, and crash at his place. He was familiar, he was my oldest friend.
After a few months of that, his roommate sent me a text message.
I never went back over there after that. I didn’t realize that my BIL was developing these feelings for me. He has always been a complicated individual that has a drinking problem that is only getting worse. He’s still single. On the weekends, he starts drinking before noon, and stays that way until he passes out after midnight. He’s a functional drunk, which is scary. But he’s mouthy as hell. He didn’t go with us when we got married, even though both my husband and I were apart of his wedding. That made me sad, but he told me he didn’t support marriage and he wished us the best.
What is my point to all of this? It’s simple, really.
If you truly give your relationship everything that you have, and it goes south by no fault of your own – they will always try to come back. These assholes jump the fence to presumptive greener grass, only to find out it’s AstroTurf. No substance. If you’re the type of woman that I am, you enjoy doing things for your partner/spouse. You cook their food, fix their plate, make sure to do everything in your power to make their life as easy as possible. When they don’t reciprocate that affection, and then end up leaving you – most of the time they end up with someone that can’t hold a candle to you.
So if you’re just waiting for the light bulb to go off in their head … well, you may have to wait awhile. If you’re waiting for karma to come around …. you still may have to wait awhile, but it will happen. It always does.