My niece had her Christening today. It was my first time in an Episcopalian Church. I never knew how close to Catholicism it actually is. Thank goodness I’ve attended Catholic Church with friends back in middle school, so at least I knew the Lords Prayer enough to recite it with everyone. Other than that, I was lost. Growing up Baptist sure made me short-sighted on the goings-on of other religions.
My brother and I are only half brother and sister, but legally we are full brother and sister since his dad adopted me when I was five. Sadly, I really never integrated into the mold of what that family wanted me to be, and so I don’t speak to them (other than my brother) very much at all. Sure, they are all nice when I come around. Hugs for everyone. It’s good to see you. How have you been? But there’s no substance behind the questions, and I give no feeling in the returned answers.
The only people that showed up from my mom’s side were my two cousins, my cousins wife, and their baby. Of course my mom wasn’t invited, because … well, she’s mom. She has been banished from this side of the family on all accounts. My grandma on my mom’s side passed away in 2010. My Uncle died in 2015 after a seventeen year old didn’t check his blindspot and sent my Uncle careening into a light poll. But my cousins baby? Looking at him was like a seeing my uncle all over again. When we went to my sister-in-laws parents house after the service, me and baby Jack walked around pointing out simple things and saying the words. I picked him up and took him to the fruit bowl and he ate some strawberries. We watched the boys play cornhole and made sound effects every time the bag landed on the board. He would make the sound and then dissolve into a fit of laughter and look at me with this huge grin on his face. We blew bubbles on the porch. My heart split in two. My Uncle never had the chance to meet him. Jack was born exactly one month after my Uncle died. I could feel my Uncle there today with us, but of course I couldn’t see him, so it’s really not the same. I miss him so much.
It made me sad in a way. As far as who I call family? There isn’t much left. Seeing as that I don’t associate with my brother’s dad or any of their family, and I don’t talk to my mom – there really isn’t very many people left for me. I have my Aunt and my cousins. My grandmother that lives with me, and my brother. That’s it. I feel bad for my daughter, because there isn’t anyone on my side of the family for her to associate with. Come to think of it, there isn’t many people on her fathers side, either. She has the most extended family through her step-mom’s side. It’s no wonder I cling onto my husband so much. He is my entire world (next to our kids) and if I lost him on a permanent basis, I don’t think I’d survive it.
My daughter will be thirteen in June. Hanging out with all of these babies today made me realize how much I’ve matured as a person. I wish I could have been this way when my daughter was baby, and enjoyed those days more than I did. There is so much I would have done differently.
Life is flying by much too quickly.