My mood has been shit this weekend. For some reason, my brain has taken to feeling like I’m just taken for granted all of the time. Like I’m just some person that sits in the shadows and things magically get done, but nobody knows how. Plus we’re extremely broke until Wednesday, and that always puts me in crap mood.
I asked my grams, while she was out today, to pick up some ketchup since I like to eat fries on a whim. She went to the store, came back with no ketchup, claimed she had run out of money …. but was able to buy the fucking dog a pound of hamburger and the cats their 4th bag of cat treats this week. Yes, she cooks a hamburger for the dog every night. She feeds the cats those cat treats almost as if they are food. Despite the repeated arguments that myself and my husband have given her, she ignores us and then tells us to mind out own fucking business, and continues to do just as she wants. I’ve told her she’s killing out animals. She defies me at any turn she can.
But it was aggravating to see that the animals and their unnecessary needs come before a simple request from myself. No money for ketchup, but let’s make sure the FUCKING DOG has HAMBURGER.
While I was cooking dinner, I set my phone up and the bluetooth speaker and turned on Dawson’s Creek. My husband came downstairs from his shower, acknowledged that I was watching my show, and then proceeded to turn the TV on and turn the volume up so I couldn’t hear anything. Did he do it to be a dick? No. He just wasn’t thinking.
And that’s my thing. I’m always thinking of other people, and putting their needs before my own. I’ve resolved myself to having a marriage and a full life of no cuddling because my husband doesn’t like the skin-on-skin shit. That’s fine. I understood that going in. Do I get lonely sometimes? Hell yeah I do. But it is what it is, and I can’t punish him for something that I was aware of going into it. My husband is a wonderful man. He is everything to me. Sometimes my emotions jump front and center and I have a bad night (like tonight), and I just kind of shut down.
Like, how can I even complain to my grandmother that she neglected to buy ketchup because she had to get the dog her hamburger? What kind of idiot shit is that? I would sound like a lunatic. She came downstairs earlier and asked me what my problem was. I told her nothing. It’s not worth that fight. She would end up going off on me anyway. I can’t have myself screaming at a 72 year old woman about ketchup.
If it were legal in this state to smoke weed, I’d probably be blazed right now. I didn’t give a shit about anything for those six months that I smoked weed. But I’m too damn paranoid to do it because it’s illegal here. I find it ironic that Opioids kill so many people in the US every year, and that’s completely legal, but weed is illegal in most states. Drunk drivers kill so many people every year, but that’s legal. Weed makes me eat a lot of spaghetti and sleep good at night … but it’s illegal.
Makes a lot of fucking sense.