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All posts for the month March, 2017

Sleep Paralysis

Published March 29, 2017 by dividinguplife

I wonder if it’s possible to astral project while you’re dreaming? I ask because I had the weirdest sleep last night, and it was only within the first couple of hours of sleeping that it happened. 

In my dream, the West Virginia Serial Cheater was sitting there beside me, just above me, as if I were laying down. (This is the man that tried to sleep with my mother), and every time I even think about him, I feel queasy as hell. He disgusts me in every way, and I have no idea why he was in my dream. But anyway, he was there, and then this blackness – like little wisps of black – started to move over me, and then suddenly I was above my body, watching it become entangled and swallowed up by this black web. I experienced a moment of semi-lucidity where I realized that I was dreaming, which was followed by sleep paralysis. I knew that if I could just move and turn over, the dream would stop and I’d be fully awake and functional. I just … couldn’t move. 

Eventually I did turn over, and things started to come into focus, but I could feel that I wasn’t alone, you know? I mean, it seemed as if whatever was with me in that dream, was still hanging out in real life, and even touching me in a very odd, airy kind of way. As if the black wisps were slowly unwinding from my body, and I could feel the tail of them trailing over my skin. I know that when a person experiences sleep paralysis, they can often hallucinate demonic shit, or feel as if someone is holding them down. Maybe it was residual left-overs from whatever the hell was going on in my brain? 

I’ve always been very into dream meanings and symbolism, but I’m having a hard time with this one. I don’t know why that asshole would creep into my dreams, as he hasn’t even been on my mind at all in a long time. I don’t know what the black wispy webs were. I don’t know if projection is possible while dreaming. I know that I hate sleep paralysis. That’s the scariest shit ever.

Anniversary Dud

Published March 26, 2017 by dividinguplife

Our first anniversary was underwhelming. I don’t know what I was expecting – maybe just dinner out together or something. Instead, my husband was in a very quiet mood all day. I know he’s upset because his ex-wife decided at the last minute that we weren’t going to get the kids for spring break (mediation papers be damned) and it really put him in a shit mood for the week. I guess I just thought that maybe our anniversary would be an exciting time, and we’d have dinner together somewhere, just the two of us. Instead, we do what we always do; hang out at home, watch TV, etc. At some point he turned on a horror movie, so I went upstairs and watched Dawson’s Creek on my phone. I don’t do horror movies. I don’t like to be in the same room when one is on. I don’t like seeing people die, especially in gruesome ways. I was kind of perturbed that my husband would turn that on, knowing I don’t like them. But, it is what it is. 

He was in a better mood yesterday, but in no mood to actually do anything. Instead, I took my daughter and her friend to see Beauty and the Beast. We had a good time. I came home, dropped them off, and then went to the grocery store so I could make stuffed noodles for dinner. 

My husband has a herniated disc pushing on his S1 Root. He’s been getting injections every three months, and the next step is to have the nerves in his back singed off so he can’t feel the pain. Meanwhile, he’s been on Percocet for a year. I know the pills cause mood swings and take the joy out of your life. I miss my husband before the pills. He’s still funny as all hell. And he still tells me he loves me every day. There’s just something missing from him. Something that these pills are taking away from him. I love him with a fierceness that takes my breath away. There are nights that I go to bed and feel lonely as hell, and then I feel guilty because I’m not the one that’s in chronic pain. Even if this situation weren’t temporary – if this is how my husband will be for the rest of his life – I’m in it for the long haul. I do everything in my power to make sure that his life is easier, that’s he’s the happiest that he can be. Sometimes I take his mood swings and unhappiness as a personal failure. I feel like I’m not doing enough. With my personality, I always strive to do better, to be better, to be more. When I feel like I fail at it, I beat myself up over it. It’s my tragic flaw. 

It has been eight years since my relationship with The Abuser ended. There are still times that I hear him in my head. He made me feel like my entire purpose in life was to make him happy. When he wasn’t happy, I paid for it. It was my fault. He hit me because I did something to piss him off. He cheated on me because I was too fat and he couldn’t throw me around the house and fuck me up against a wall. He could throw me around the house when he was pissed, but I guess that was it. 

So, it’s another day. Husband works on Sunday’s until he starts his new shift next week. then he’ll work Tuesday through Saturday, which sucks … I love our weekends together, but this damn job is taking out weekends away. Then again, I guess with the current state of the way things are, we don’t do much anyway. 

First Anniversary

Published March 22, 2017 by dividinguplife

My husband and I will celebrate our one year wedding anniversary this Friday, which is pretty exciting for me. My first marriage topped out at 8 months. At twenty years old, I just wasn’t ready. Getting married because you have a baby is definitely not advised. He’s a good man, and a great father – just not the man for me. 

But, reflecting back on this past year with my husband, I am proud to say that we haven’t had one single fight, disagreement, or argument. Coming from an entire life of fighting, screaming, abuse, and narcissism at every turn – this is a much welcomed change in my life. Having known him for twenty years, but never having romantic feelings for him until five years ago, I guess that worked out in my favor. 

He understands my introverted quirks, where I need quiet time after a particularly hard day at work. He knows I hate to shop, so when he gets a wild hair up his ass to go to thirty thrift stores on a Saturday, he is content going by himself sometimes and I stay home and enjoy not shopping for eight hours and coming home with nothing. Window shopping is the worst. My husband is always searching for deals. He finds them, don’t get me wrong, but it is not my cup of tea. I go to a store, head directly for what I went there for, get it, buy it, and I’m done. 

He drives me crazy with his insistent explanations of all things science related – but at the same time I love listening to his passion about things that he learns. I love to hear his voice. 

Tonight I was sitting on the couch and just glanced over at him, and my heart still did that whole butterfly-skip-a-beat thing that it so often does when I look at him. 

Husband1

He’s just so perfect to me. He’s perfect for me. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve him, but I sure am glad I have him. 

So even though you won’t see this particular post: Happy Anniversary Baby. Your sexiness astounds me, even now. Always. 

Country Boy

Published March 20, 2017 by dividinguplife

The Country Boy that I dated between the time my husband moved away and then came back, had some sort of angry enlightenment about our relationship on his morning run today. Seeing as that he’s another person I do keep in semi-regular contact with (I hurt him when we broke up, and he wanted to keep the friendship so I didn’t see anything wrong with that), decided to message me this morning and let me know how angry he was about something that happened nearly two years ago. 

Bless his heart, he has tried to date other people. But, he’s …. well … he’s an odd sort of fellow. Not odd in a bad way per se, but quirky in things that he says and does. It takes a specific type of person to be attracted to how … well-rounded he is, I guess? 

Like, he watches Creepy Pasta videos at night to put him to sleep. Stories of things that would keep me awake at all hours of the night convinced that the doll at the neighbors house was going to come alive and kill me, kind of things. How do you fall asleep to that?

He has no drive or ambition beyond being a gas station sales clerk or doing what he’s currently doing, which is washing dishes at some food place. And yet, he’s so SO smart, he could seriously be a teacher and be wonderful at it. I don’t know if he lets his self-esteem get in the way or if he’s just more interested in working his eight hour shift and going home to play WoW or Diablo or whatever it is he plays.

He thought it was acceptable to send my ten year old out in public wearing one of his Marlboro T-shirts. There was a huge fight about it and he called me a stuck-up bitch because I wouldn’t let my daughter wear a cigarette T-Shirt. 

He had good qualities about him as well. He was always willing to give a massage. He can cook pretty decently. He’s a fierce protector, though very scary when his anger is directed at you. He doesn’t mind cuddling or being touched. So yes, there were positives to Country Boy. There was just something peculiar about him. Something that didn’t quite match up with me. 

Not to mention the Facebook messages I found on the computer of him talking to another woman and telling her all of the things he wanted to do to her. 

Or the strange porn he would watch when I wasn’t at home. By strange, I mean … well I can’t even repeat it. It was disturbing. Like borderline bestiality stuff. I just can’t. 

But anyway, he has had some trouble letting go of what he deemed “a great relationship” despite all of the terrible flaws that it actually had. He told me this morning that is pissed him off that I said we weren’t compatible. I told him that, as with anything else in life, it was how I felt. It was my opinion. He may have been feeling all of the compatibility in the world – but I didn’t. I felt off. I felt like he wasn’t my husband and so I needed to end it. We had a year and a half together and it was decent for the most part. But there were just some things I couldn’t look past, and some things that concerned me enough that I thought it best he not be around my daughter too much. I never thought he would hurt her, but the mind is a disturbing place and one never knows what someone is actually thinking about. 

He’s still so far caught up in this girl that he can’t have, because she has a boyfriend and won’t leave him, even though she promises Country Boy time and again that she will. I’ve told him from the beginning that she will not leave the guy she’s with. Every time it doesn’t work out, his mind travels back to the last good thing he remembers, which is unfortunately us. I keep telling him that when he meets the right person, all the rest of this will be a blip on his radar of life. I am only “a big deal” because I was the last serious relationship he had. 

At this point I’m thankful that he doesn’t know where I live. Not that he actually has a working car or anything, anyway. The car he does have is one that I gave to him. He drove it to the ground and now it has a lot of problems. Rather than trade it in for cash and put a down payment on something dependable, he just bums rides.  

He’s not for me. But hopefully he’s for someone.

Shoot Out Your Frustrations

Published March 19, 2017 by dividinguplife

My husband and I went shooting this afternoon. The funny thing is, we went shooting at The Abusers Step-mothers, sisters house. So I guess his Step-Aunt?  The Abuser’s Step-mom stopped by to meet my husband. She loved him and told me as much this evening via Facebook messanger. She said he’s perfect for me. I’d have to agree. 

My husband and I enjoyed shooting today. The Step-Aunt’s huband brought out gun after gun after gun for us to shoot. We all laughed and enjoyed ourselves, which was a nice change. Usually my husband and I keep to ourselves and just hang out with each other. I enjoy that time over anything else, but sometimes it’s nice to get out and be around other adults. 

Gun

Gun2

I’ve only shot a gun one other time, so they scared me at first. After today, I feel much more comfortable shooting them.

The husband of the girl that messaged my husband the other night responded back to my message and was very nice. He said he would deal with the situation. A few hours later, the girl had blocked me on Facebook. I guess she didn’t like me spilling the beans too much. Oh well. If you act like a whore, you get busted. Not my fault. She didn’t block my husband, of course. I guess I will be the bad guy in this situation. 

The Abuser friend requested me today. After having blocked me for over a year, he unblocked me last week, and then requested me today. I accepted, of course. I forgave him years ago. I’m no longer scared of him, and we are both married to other people. Funnily enough, his wife blocked me on Facebook some time last week. I guess she got tired of seeing my comments pop up on her wall, since she’s friends with The Abuser’s family, and all of us remain in touch to this day. 

I hope she worries and thinks about me for the rest of her life. Even though I understand now, why my relationship with The Abuser had to end – she still played a very large part in the demise of the relationship. I’m glad for the marriage and the man that I have now, but it was the principal of the whole thing. Don’t touch shit that doesn’t belong to you. I was mad with him for a long time, too. But he had more than apologized for everything that happened between us. She never has and never will. I hope guilty eats her alive at night. 

“Rachet” Women

Published March 16, 2017 by dividinguplife

I didn’t get to bed until late last night, because …. well three loads of laundry, which included my kids school uniform and soccer clothes and smelly socks. I finally lay down around 11:40 and it wasn’t too long after that, that I heard the loud racket of Facebook phone call coming from downstairs. I figured it was probably my husbands oldest son. But then it ran again, and then a third time. Back to back. My “hoe” intuition started ringing, and I was up and out of the bed, throwing my shirt on. 

As I was going downstairs, I saw him sitting in the chair shaking his head and chuckling. “You’ll never guess who tried to call me.” He lifted his phone up to show me. 

“Ah, I was wondering when she’d resurface. They always resurface.” I said. 

We’ll call her “Spike” – mostly because when I look at her, I think of the ugly Grimlin that mutated from Gizmo when he was fed after midnight, or got wet, or whatever. Not that she’s dog ugly, but the things that she does makes her uglier. 

After my husband moved away, back to his home state, a few years ago before we were married, he worked with this girl and they carpooled. My charismatic husband has a way with attracting females like moths to a flame. Plus he’s hot, so that’s a plus on his side. 

He and this girl fooled around, but never slept together. Not long after that started, he found out she had a rather serious boyfriend. He told her never to contact him again. He’s been cheated on and he doesn’t play that game. 

After she tried Facebook Calling him three times last night, she begged him to pick up the phone for her. She asked him if he were single. He said he was married. She replied that she was to, but needed to talk to him. He told her that whatever she had to say, she could type out. He said “My wife is sleeping and I don’t want to wake her up.” She replied that he should just go into the living room she he could talk to her. She told him no. She said “Pleeassee, I just want to hear your voice.” 

So then my blood pressure starts to go up. I know this game that women play. Disrespectful wench that she must be. I contemplated messaging her myself and telling her everything that I thought about her. Then I had a better idea. I had my husband take a screenshot of her saying she just wanted to hear his voice, along with the multiple calls she made to his messenger. He sent it to me, and I sent it to her husband. 

Good rule of thumb to live by: Don’t say anything to somebody that you wouldn’t want your significant other to see. Period. It doesn’t get any more simple than that. 

My husband and I lied there for about forty-five minutes and giggled and joked about it all. I knew about this girl years ago when he was messing around with her. He and I still maintained our friendship, even after we ended things so he could be closer to his kids. With that friendship came the heartbreaking moments of watching him be with people that wasn’t me. She was one of them, though they never slept together. 

After he fell asleep, I lie there for another hour or so, fighting with my mind. Of course my mind tries to tell me that I’m not good enough. It tells me that all of these women will come out of the woodwork and try to convince my husband that they are better, try to remind him of what he’s missing. Eventually he will leave me and I will be heartbroken all over again. That is what my head does to me whenever insecurity sets in. I’m not a jealous person at all. I don’t mind that my husband has friends of the opposite sex. But when I feel like the sacred territory of my marriage is being traipsed all over – no way man. People have rarely seen that level of crazy that can come out of me. And I love my husband for his honesty about it all. He could have very well said it was his older son calling him. Instead he was truthful up front about what was going on. 

I don’t know if this girls husband has seen my message yet. I don’t really care. I felt that I owed it to him, from one spouse to another, to know what his wife is doing when he isn’t aware. I told him to get a handle on his wife before I do. We will be up in that state this weekend anyway to get my husbands kids for spring break. I don’t mind making a pit stop if that’s what it takes. 

If it ain’t yours, don’t try to touch it. 

Dad’s Cancer Battle

Published March 13, 2017 by dividinguplife

My dad is back in the hospital. Not that he told any of us until my grandmother threatened to call his boss at work to find out what was going on with him, since he wasn’t replying to any text messages. 

It seems that his Stage 4 Colon Cancer has spread from his liver to his kidney’s, causing the left kidney to swell up and put him in severe pain. Worse than kidney stone pain, which I would imagine equates to something slightly worse than childbirth. He’s on Dilaudid for pain, and is waiting to have scans done to see exactly what the deal is. 

My dad refused chemo and radiation last year when he was diagnosed. He had surgery to have the tumor removed from his colon, and partially from his liver. The doctor refused to do anything more if he was going to refuse chemo and radiation. My dad decided to do The Mistletoe treatment and cashed in his life insurance policy to pay for it, since private insurance doesn’t cover holistic treatments. After doing the treatment, his blood work was coming back better than good, and it seemed as if there was some miracle to be found in this holistic treatment, without all of the side-effects of chemo and radiation. For a while there, he was doing great, or so he said.

I went by the hospital this morning before going into work. I know my dad is super introverted (worse than I am), but the thought of him lying alone in that hospital with nobody checking on him, hurts my heart. I feel like he’s trying to die alone so as not to be a burden on anyone, or have to face the crying eyes of his family. My grandmother can hardly deal with it, and so we try to sugar-coat what’s going on as much as possible. I have to live with her, and being an empath is difficult when she gets on her crying spells – especially if she’s super medicated on her Gabapentin and loopy enough to make all of this even more traumatic for her than it is for anyone else. 

I’m sad for him. He seems to be accepting of whatever happens. Radiation may be an option, and he said that he will do it if that will keep the pain away. I didn’t say anything about the blisters and pus that often happens afterward. It’s equivalent to second degree burns, according to what I see on my patients when they come in for their appointments. You can always tell when someone has had radiation; it changes their physical appearance to someone unrecognizable. 

And as much of an empath as I am – I can feel what other people feel, even if I don’t know them. Total strangers will unknowingly project their feelings onto me when I’m out and about – I can’t feel anything off of my dad. I don’t know if it’s because he has shut himself off so much from everyone that he doesn’t project himself. It seems that perhaps he and I may share quite a few qualities, and he understands what it is to project oneself onto someone else, and so he is mindful to keep all of his feelings to himself. My dad has always held people at arms length, and for that I don’t understand why. According to my mother (if you can believe anything she says), even from a young age he always kept to himself and never let anyone get too close. It’s frustrating because I’m trying to spend as much time with him as I can before he dies. I’ve only had a year of slightly normal conversation with him, and now he’s sick. I dreamed my entire life of having my dad give two damns about me. Now that he does, he’s dying – and the two are mutually exclusive. He didn’t start coming around until the diagnosis. I often wonder if he’d still be MIA if he were perfectly healthy. That thought makes me sad. I’m still like the back-burner daughter. Like “let me make my amends before I travel to the big man, because it’s the right thing to do.” 

*Sighs*