Way Down We Go

Published March 1, 2017 by dividinguplife

I find it funny – the last blog that I wrote and how it ties into something I discovered last night. 

I don’t know how many women keep tabs on their exes and the partners that they left them for. I’ve always done it. Ever since The Abuser threw me and my daughter out, I’ve always kept tabs on his life and the ups and downs of it. To say that he and his wife have had a tumultuous relationship would be an understatement. A year and a half ago, once he realized that I was getting married and not changing my mind, he went back to his wife and blocked me on Facebook. After this having happened for the hundredth time in our pseudo-friendship, it just made me laugh. I was the one that wanted to maintain a friendship with him once we split up and I had therapy to understand why he was an abusive dickhead. He wanted that friendship too. With our friendship came the jealousy from his wife, even though she always stated that she had no problem with us being friends. I guess when you are part of the reason a relationship is homewrecked, it must be difficult to sleep at night wondering if the relationship you helped destroy, may one day find its way back together. So, The Abuser and I could be friends, but only on her terms, and only when she wasn’t pissed off at him for something. 

Anyway. I’ve been blocked on Facebook for a year by The Abuser. Last night I was suddenly unblocked. Why? I don’t know. If I had to guess, it was because his wife was somewhere that wasn’t at home and he got curious as to how I was doing. He got to thinking about something. I know how his mind wanders. He’s never happy with what he has if he thinks he can have better. I would imagine they haven’t gotten their tax refunds yet if he is catching thoughts about me. When he has money, he is in his element. He’s never happier than when he’s spending money. 

I hope whatever he was looking for, he found. I hope that it was like a punch in the stomach to see that I’m still married, that I’m happy, and that I’m doing okay without him. I remember when he left me, then found out a few months later that I was dating someone else – he had to the nerve to tell me he was irreplaceable. He honestly believed that. But he has been replaced. And I am better off for it. I told my husband last night that I was suddenly unblocked. He found that interesting. But I told him just so that he would know. Just in case The Abuser tries to call me or messages me on Facebook, at least he’d know what was up.

Do I still think about him? Yeah. Do I remember good times with him? Of course I do. I carry a lot of memories with me on a daily basis. I would never want to part with them. Not even the bad ones. 

I saw a video last night that ripped me apart. It’s called “Hurt” by Johnny Cash. Trent Reznor wrote it, but Johnny Cash was born to sing it. 

Johnny Cash – Hurt

When I watched the video, and listened to the lyrics, it made me think of him. I have a feeling that when this life is said and done with The Abuser, he is going to have a life of regret that he can’t ever take back. I hate that for him. I hate that for anyone. 

It even made me want to hug Johnny Cash and tell him that everything was okay. That man was a grade-A asshole in his youth. But it seems as if it all caught up with him in the end. And the pain that’s in his eyes in this video? It’s enough to rip your soul out. 

What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone I know, goes away in the end. And you could have it all – my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt. If I could start again, a million miles away. I would keep myself, I would find a way.

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