Our first anniversary was underwhelming. I don’t know what I was expecting – maybe just dinner out together or something. Instead, my husband was in a very quiet mood all day. I know he’s upset because his ex-wife decided at the last minute that we weren’t going to get the kids for spring break (mediation papers be damned) and it really put him in a shit mood for the week. I guess I just thought that maybe our anniversary would be an exciting time, and we’d have dinner together somewhere, just the two of us. Instead, we do what we always do; hang out at home, watch TV, etc. At some point he turned on a horror movie, so I went upstairs and watched Dawson’s Creek on my phone. I don’t do horror movies. I don’t like to be in the same room when one is on. I don’t like seeing people die, especially in gruesome ways. I was kind of perturbed that my husband would turn that on, knowing I don’t like them. But, it is what it is.
He was in a better mood yesterday, but in no mood to actually do anything. Instead, I took my daughter and her friend to see Beauty and the Beast. We had a good time. I came home, dropped them off, and then went to the grocery store so I could make stuffed noodles for dinner.
My husband has a herniated disc pushing on his S1 Root. He’s been getting injections every three months, and the next step is to have the nerves in his back singed off so he can’t feel the pain. Meanwhile, he’s been on Percocet for a year. I know the pills cause mood swings and take the joy out of your life. I miss my husband before the pills. He’s still funny as all hell. And he still tells me he loves me every day. There’s just something missing from him. Something that these pills are taking away from him. I love him with a fierceness that takes my breath away. There are nights that I go to bed and feel lonely as hell, and then I feel guilty because I’m not the one that’s in chronic pain. Even if this situation weren’t temporary – if this is how my husband will be for the rest of his life – I’m in it for the long haul. I do everything in my power to make sure that his life is easier, that’s he’s the happiest that he can be. Sometimes I take his mood swings and unhappiness as a personal failure. I feel like I’m not doing enough. With my personality, I always strive to do better, to be better, to be more. When I feel like I fail at it, I beat myself up over it. It’s my tragic flaw.
It has been eight years since my relationship with The Abuser ended. There are still times that I hear him in my head. He made me feel like my entire purpose in life was to make him happy. When he wasn’t happy, I paid for it. It was my fault. He hit me because I did something to piss him off. He cheated on me because I was too fat and he couldn’t throw me around the house and fuck me up against a wall. He could throw me around the house when he was pissed, but I guess that was it.
So, it’s another day. Husband works on Sunday’s until he starts his new shift next week. then he’ll work Tuesday through Saturday, which sucks … I love our weekends together, but this damn job is taking out weekends away. Then again, I guess with the current state of the way things are, we don’t do much anyway.