Yesterday was a weird day for me. This empath thing was in full-blast at work. By 11:00 I felt like I had 12 ton weights pulling my legs down. I have never felt so tired before. After we finished morning clinic and our patients cleared out of the office for our lunch break, the feelings went away and it was as if nothing happened.
There are days that I wonder what is wrong with me health-wise. I figure that something must be going on internally with me and I’m probably dying. Then I go to the doctor and have blood work done, and everything looks okay. I try to stay away from frequent trips to the doctor because they can’t explain why I feel the way that I do, and I don’t want to look like a crazy person that “thinks” they are ill all of the time. I can’t exactly sit there with a person of science and say “Oh I’m fine, I can just feel what other people are feeling.” I can only imagine what kind of things would be written in my chart, followed with a suggestion that I seek psychiatric help.
I saw a video put up on Facebook last night by The Abuser. His wife was in it. The one he cheated on me with. Eight years later and she looks like she’s strung out on crack. They live in some dilapidated ghetto. It’s not that I see this and reflect back on our relationship. I guess it’s just that I still can’t believe he chose her over me, and tossed me out on my ass. The man made me feel like I was nothing for three years, and then proved it to me by so easily dismissing me from his life, after cheating on me multiple times.
I just … I don’t get it?? I was too fat, but this isn’t too skinny? Not to mention that she loves prescription pills, alcohol, and weed. Not that I have a problem with weed, even though I haven’t smoked it in a while. But still …. that shit still hurts you know? There are still days that I hate who I am because of the things he said to me. Oh well. I bet he can pick her up and fuck her against a wall, just like he always wanted.
Is my life better? Absolutely. That’s not the point. The point is that I spent years crying over someone that now lives a life of miserable means and with someone that hasn’t improved it in any way. All of that hell and torment and he lives on the wrong side of the track. It just makes me bitter.
But make no mistake; I fucking love my husband so much that it hurts. But this shit pisses me off.