All posts tagged Marriage

It’s too Much, Sometimes

Published June 22, 2017 by dividinguplife

I realized on Tuesday that my husband relies on me more than I ever realized. It’s not a bad thing, but more of an eye-opener of this man that I view as such a strong presence in my life. 

I received a “low balance” account notification Tuesday afternoon at work, which puzzled me. I mean, we didn’t have a lot of money in the bank, but we had enough to where I shouldn’t be getting an email telling me that our account is below 25.00

I logged into our bank account and saw that it was at over negative sixteen hundred dollars. The only thing it said was “account hold”. I called the bank and told them that I thought someone had gotten hold of our account information, and asked them to check into it. 

The lady looked at the hold, and told me that it was a levy on our bank account from the Department of Revenue. Specifically the Revenue Department from the state that my husband lived in before he moved back here two years ago. I called my husband and told him what was going on, and then asked him if he had received any letters in the mail from the State Tax Department. His answer? Yes. Did he read them? Not really. I knew he hadn’t, because had he of read them, he would have known that they were going to put a levy on our account. They give you fair warning. I gave him the number to call the Department to see what they could do. Well, more specifically the creditor that has the account that works with said department. I went back inside to work with the wheels turning on how we are going to make it for another week without money, now that our account has been frozen.

He text me and told me that they won’t release the levy until we pay eight hundred dollars. Well, we don’t have that. Even after we all get paid, we don’t have eight hundred bucks left over once the bills are paid. Back to square one. 

My husband is a very smart man. Let me say that. But things like this? I think the mechanical wheels that turn in his head don’t apply to stressful situations. I think everything just kind of shuts down. Like “Well, we’re screwed. Oh well!” Meanwhile, I’m shuffling possibilities through my head like multiple tabs being open on a computer browser. If we do ‘this’ and ‘this’ will that solve the problem we have of paying our bills? Is it possible to do something like ‘this’ and work around this unfortunate situation?

I put a phone call into a tax attorney for information. I called the bank to find out if I could open up a separate account in my own name (I can), and then told my husband to login to his employer and have the direct deposit stopped to our account, and opt for paper checks instead. 

The attorney called me back yesterday and told me that it wouldn’t financially benefit us to hire them because of the cost associated with that. But he told me exactly what we need to do to work around the creditor with the levy, so that we can have it removed. He was super helpful to me and assured me that they can’t touch my account when I open it, because my name isn’t tied to my husbands tax levy. So now I have to go to the bank on Friday or Saturday morning and get a new account open so that I can provide my employer with an updated direct deposit account. My husbands paychecks will arrive later than the Thursday’s he get’s paid since we have to switch to paper checks. It’s going to screw up our flow a little bit, but we will manage. I’m just thankful this happened after we had already paid our first round of bills for the month. Had it of happened when we had money in the bank, I have absolutely no idea what we would have done. We could have potentially lost our house if I wouldn’t have been able to make the payment.

I take care of my husband’s every need. I fix his plate at night before I go to bed, since he eats later than I do. If I’m still awake when he eats, I heat up his food, or fix it. We spend all of our time together and I have no desire to hang out with people outside of our family. I’m faithful and devoted to him, always. And I know he is to me, as well. In return, he helps with more than his fair share of the household chores. He kills the nasty bugs that I scream and run away from. He gives me space for quiet time when I need to recharge, and we never fight or argue about anything. One year and three months of being married and we haven’t had one single fight. I’m proud of that. 

I just wonder if he realizes how much I take control and solve things that happen. This isn’t the first fire that I’ve had to put out. He owed back taxes to the IRS, and I opted to file together and just get it paid, rather than file as an injured spouse so that I could keep all of my refund. On the flip-side, when I was surprised with that faulty check arrest warrant from 2009, he did everything he could to calm me down and make me feel better – though the thought of going to jail or having anything on my pristine criminal record, nearly sent me into an anxiety attack. 

Even though I don’t have to, I try to prove in small ways that I will never be like his ex-wife. When things get hard, I’m not going to pack up and leave and blast his name all over the state like he’s this horrible person. He isn’t. And he’s now starting to see that his ex-wife is a miserable cow. She’s engaged to some useless blob of a man that won’t work, and is content sitting on his ass and letting her work sixty hours a week. When she was married to my husband, she barely worked twenty hours a week, and played video games all day while my husband worked all day. The tables have turned on that miserable cow. 

Sometimes being the reliable one gets tiresome. People at home, at work, and random strangers often lean on me for support and advice and seem to suck my strength away from me and take it for their own. I take care of my grandmother and all of her medical needs, I’ve packed my grandpa’s house on my own for the past month – I think we are at 75 boxes packed at this point, I pay the bills, I work 40+ hours a week. I have a patient of mine that has cancer and doesn’t have any family. I will pick up and take her medication to her sometimes when she’s too sick to leave her house. You know, things like that. Like, how much can I be stretched? Is there going to come a time when I just crash and fall to pieces? Will there be anyone there to help me if I do? If people lean on you during times of crises, what do they do when the leanee becomes the leaner?

I’ll Fall With Your Knife

Published June 12, 2017 by dividinguplife


When I was thirteen (1998), my husband and his brother moved back up north to their home state. I remember listening to this song and daydreaming about the day I would get on an airplane, and fly up there to see my brother-in-law. In my daydream this song would be playing, and I would be coming down the escalator in a cute skirt, with my hair straightened, and there he would be, with his beautiful blue eyes. It would be in that moment that he realized how much he loved me and needed me in his life. 

I made sure that I got my song and my boy in one fell swoop. In 2013 I jumped on a plane and flew my ass up north. As I was getting off the plane, I put my earbuds in and turned on Peter Murphy. I was wearing knee high black boots, a lacy black skirt, a lacy black tank top with a long gray pseudo-jacket-cotton-throw thing that went down past my knees. I came down the escalator and from across the room I could see the brightest blue eyes – eyes that haunted my dreams at night. 

It was the older brother of the boy I’d crushed on for fifteen years. The older brother of my first love, first kiss, first heartbreak. 

I’m sitting here typing this now, and I glance over to my left, and my heart still skips a beat when I see him. 


I’ve known him for twenty years, but it was only 4 1/2 years ago that I started to see him as something other than the older asshole brother of the guy I was obsessed with. Now? I’d move heaven and earth to keep him by my side. He’s the first man that has made everything I’ve been through, completely worth it. 

Anniversary Dud

Published March 26, 2017 by dividinguplife

Our first anniversary was underwhelming. I don’t know what I was expecting – maybe just dinner out together or something. Instead, my husband was in a very quiet mood all day. I know he’s upset because his ex-wife decided at the last minute that we weren’t going to get the kids for spring break (mediation papers be damned) and it really put him in a shit mood for the week. I guess I just thought that maybe our anniversary would be an exciting time, and we’d have dinner together somewhere, just the two of us. Instead, we do what we always do; hang out at home, watch TV, etc. At some point he turned on a horror movie, so I went upstairs and watched Dawson’s Creek on my phone. I don’t do horror movies. I don’t like to be in the same room when one is on. I don’t like seeing people die, especially in gruesome ways. I was kind of perturbed that my husband would turn that on, knowing I don’t like them. But, it is what it is. 

He was in a better mood yesterday, but in no mood to actually do anything. Instead, I took my daughter and her friend to see Beauty and the Beast. We had a good time. I came home, dropped them off, and then went to the grocery store so I could make stuffed noodles for dinner. 

My husband has a herniated disc pushing on his S1 Root. He’s been getting injections every three months, and the next step is to have the nerves in his back singed off so he can’t feel the pain. Meanwhile, he’s been on Percocet for a year. I know the pills cause mood swings and take the joy out of your life. I miss my husband before the pills. He’s still funny as all hell. And he still tells me he loves me every day. There’s just something missing from him. Something that these pills are taking away from him. I love him with a fierceness that takes my breath away. There are nights that I go to bed and feel lonely as hell, and then I feel guilty because I’m not the one that’s in chronic pain. Even if this situation weren’t temporary – if this is how my husband will be for the rest of his life – I’m in it for the long haul. I do everything in my power to make sure that his life is easier, that’s he’s the happiest that he can be. Sometimes I take his mood swings and unhappiness as a personal failure. I feel like I’m not doing enough. With my personality, I always strive to do better, to be better, to be more. When I feel like I fail at it, I beat myself up over it. It’s my tragic flaw. 

It has been eight years since my relationship with The Abuser ended. There are still times that I hear him in my head. He made me feel like my entire purpose in life was to make him happy. When he wasn’t happy, I paid for it. It was my fault. He hit me because I did something to piss him off. He cheated on me because I was too fat and he couldn’t throw me around the house and fuck me up against a wall. He could throw me around the house when he was pissed, but I guess that was it. 

So, it’s another day. Husband works on Sunday’s until he starts his new shift next week. then he’ll work Tuesday through Saturday, which sucks … I love our weekends together, but this damn job is taking out weekends away. Then again, I guess with the current state of the way things are, we don’t do much anyway. 

First Anniversary

Published March 22, 2017 by dividinguplife

My husband and I will celebrate our one year wedding anniversary this Friday, which is pretty exciting for me. My first marriage topped out at 8 months. At twenty years old, I just wasn’t ready. Getting married because you have a baby is definitely not advised. He’s a good man, and a great father – just not the man for me. 

But, reflecting back on this past year with my husband, I am proud to say that we haven’t had one single fight, disagreement, or argument. Coming from an entire life of fighting, screaming, abuse, and narcissism at every turn – this is a much welcomed change in my life. Having known him for twenty years, but never having romantic feelings for him until five years ago, I guess that worked out in my favor. 

He understands my introverted quirks, where I need quiet time after a particularly hard day at work. He knows I hate to shop, so when he gets a wild hair up his ass to go to thirty thrift stores on a Saturday, he is content going by himself sometimes and I stay home and enjoy not shopping for eight hours and coming home with nothing. Window shopping is the worst. My husband is always searching for deals. He finds them, don’t get me wrong, but it is not my cup of tea. I go to a store, head directly for what I went there for, get it, buy it, and I’m done. 

He drives me crazy with his insistent explanations of all things science related – but at the same time I love listening to his passion about things that he learns. I love to hear his voice. 

Tonight I was sitting on the couch and just glanced over at him, and my heart still did that whole butterfly-skip-a-beat thing that it so often does when I look at him. 


He’s just so perfect to me. He’s perfect for me. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve him, but I sure am glad I have him. 

So even though you won’t see this particular post: Happy Anniversary Baby. Your sexiness astounds me, even now. Always. 

Crap Ass Mood

Published February 18, 2017 by dividinguplife

My mood has been shit this weekend. For some reason, my brain has taken to feeling like I’m just taken for granted all of the time. Like I’m just some person that sits in the shadows and things magically get done, but nobody knows how. Plus we’re extremely broke until Wednesday, and that always puts me in crap mood. 

I asked my grams, while she was out today, to pick up some ketchup since I like to eat fries on a whim. She went to the store, came back with no ketchup, claimed she had run out of money …. but was able to buy the fucking dog a pound of hamburger and the cats their 4th bag of cat treats this week. Yes, she cooks a hamburger for the dog every night. She feeds the cats those cat treats almost as if they are food. Despite the repeated arguments that myself and my husband have given her, she ignores us and then tells us to mind out own fucking business, and continues to do just as she wants. I’ve told her she’s killing out animals. She defies me at any turn she can. 

But it was aggravating to see that the animals and their unnecessary needs come before a simple request from myself. No money for ketchup, but let’s make sure the FUCKING DOG has HAMBURGER. 

While I was cooking dinner, I set my phone up and the bluetooth speaker and turned on Dawson’s Creek. My husband came downstairs from his shower, acknowledged that I was watching my show, and then proceeded to turn the TV on and turn the volume up so I couldn’t hear anything. Did he do it to be a dick? No. He just wasn’t thinking. 

And that’s my thing. I’m always thinking of other people, and putting their needs before my own. I’ve resolved myself to having a marriage and a full life of no cuddling because my husband doesn’t like the skin-on-skin shit. That’s fine. I understood that going in. Do I get lonely sometimes? Hell yeah I do. But it is what it is, and I can’t punish him for something that I was aware of going into it. My husband is a wonderful man. He is everything to me. Sometimes my emotions jump front and center and I have a bad night (like tonight), and I just kind of shut down. 

Like, how can I even complain to my grandmother that she neglected to buy ketchup because she had to get the dog her hamburger? What kind of idiot shit is that? I would sound like a lunatic. She came downstairs earlier and asked me what my problem was. I told her nothing. It’s not worth that fight. She would end up going off on me anyway. I can’t have myself screaming at a 72 year old woman about ketchup. 

If it were legal in this state to smoke weed, I’d probably be blazed right now. I didn’t give a shit about anything for those six months that I smoked weed. But I’m too damn paranoid to do it because it’s illegal here. I find it ironic that Opioids kill so many people in the US every year, and that’s completely legal, but weed is illegal in most states. Drunk drivers kill so many people every year, but that’s legal. Weed makes me eat a lot of spaghetti and sleep good at night … but it’s illegal. 

Makes a lot of fucking sense. 

New Year, More Love

Published January 3, 2017 by dividinguplife

When I’m driving to work in the morning, it’s usually my best time for self-reflection. I’m alone in the car with my thoughts and my music – which is usually some sad Indie stuff full of soul-wrenching lyrics and melodic instruments. 

This morning, I marveled at how seamlessly we have transitioned into another year. I told my husband last night that it was amazing how our One Year Anniversary was approaching in March, already. He said that it didn’t seem like it at all. He said that being with me and married to me made every day flow so smoothly that it all just flew by. We have no drama, no fighting, no disagreements. Everything that we do, we do together. We don’t party, do drugs, drink, or have the desire to hang out with other people. We spend our weekends window shopping, hitting thrift stores, going to see a movie, having a dinner date, or sometimes we just sit at home and watch television. We have both expressed interest in maybe visiting a strip club in the near future just to buy a few lap dances and have a bit of fun together. I don’t do jealous. My husband and I check out women together. When he comments on another woman being hot, or having big boobs, or whatever – I check them out as well and either agree or disagree. When I comment on a man being hot, he laughs and says “bless your heart, dear … is he just cake?” We both know there are good-looking people out there, and we acknowledge that. The biggest thing is that we trust each other, and we aren’t eaten up with jealousy at the fact that there are other good-looking people in the world, and it’s okay to see them and to comment to each other about it. Both of us have been cheated on, so I don’t think there’s concern about that on either of our parts. 

Of course, my insecurities creep in from time to time, and I wonder if the sound his phone makes is a woman texting him. There’s absolutely no reason to think that, but every now and then The Abusers voice pops into my head and tells me that I’ll never be good enough. That I’m nothing. That without him, I’ll always be nothing. My head tells me that it’s just a matter of time before he does to me what they’ve all done to me. My heart tells me that I’m safe, I’m secure in our marriage, we are going to make it. The two battle each other constantly. Eventually, my heart wins the battle. 

In other news, I’m officially an Aunt. My brother and his wife had their baby on December 31st at 3:30 in the morning. She’s so sweet and cuddly. It’s hard to imagine that my baby brother is old enough to have children. But, he’s 24 and I think that’s a pretty decent time to start having kids. To me, he’ll always be this little boy that needs me to cut the crust off of his cheese-toast, though. Now, he has a little girl of his own that is going to look up to him for guidance. I hope that he’s a great dad, and that he doesn’t abandon her like his father abandoned me, because that is a kind of pain that you don’t want to know about. 

Here’s to 2017. For some, last year was a nightmare. For others, it was wonderful. I’m blessed and thankful to wake up each day with my soulmate by my side. 

As the World Turns

Published November 5, 2016 by dividinguplife

The year is almost gone. Growing up, I couldn’t fathom years in the 2000’s. My daughter being 12, can’t fathom how her old mother was born in the 1900’s. Perspective never changes I guess. 

In October of 2010, I lost one of my grandmothers. She was my favorite in a different way than my other grandmother (the one that lives with me now) is my favorite. My Grams was raised in a time where you had to be proper, and act like a lady at all times. She hardly curses, she knows how to write in short-hand, she believes in being a domesticated woman. I get that trait from her. Being domesticated is something I take great pleasure in. 

My Grandma, the one that passed away, well ….


In every other way, I am just like her. She was raised in the country with no more than an elementary school education. She raised hell and didn’t apologize for it. She cursed and smoked cigarettes. The one time she smoked pot, she got paranoid and ran outside naked and peed in the bushes. 

Watching her die took a piece of me with every last breath that she took. Having the honor of taking care of her for the last year of her life, I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. My grandma was an alcoholic my entire life, but the last year of her life, she lived with me and she didn’t drink a drop. She knew she was sick, she knew she didn’t have long. We watched Wendy Williams together, I took her to the store and to cash her meager social security checks. She taught me how to cook some of her favorite country dishes. She gave me her two favorite knives and I still have them. They cut better than any other knife I have and I have never had to sharpen them. When Andy’s mom lived with us for a brief moment, she accidentally (or so she said) packed my grandma’s knives in her boxes. When I couldn’t find them, I nearly had a panic attack. Those are all that I have left of her.

She would have been happy for me, in my current state. She’d like my husband. I know he’d like her. She was a no-filter kind of woman. One of her favorite lines were “Piss on it. If you can’t piss on it, shit on it. If you can’t shit on it, fuck it.” And off she’d go. Those were her words of wisdom to keep stress from invading your life. 

Today I also realized a huge difference in the man I chose to marry verses the men that I have been in relationships with prior to him. All of the other men, I was hasty to jump into bed with them on the first or second date. It was how I was raised, it was what I saw. If you wanted men to love you, you gave up the goods so that they knew what they had. 

With my husband, I already had the advantage of knowing him since I was 12, but the important part was that I fell in love with him before we ever slept together. I fell in love with his words, with his mind, with his incredible sex appeal that he swears nobody else in the world can see except for me. 


He is my ride-or-die man. He’s smart, charismatic, brilliant, and my match in every single way. If something ever happened to him, I really do not know how I would go on. Just being in his presence gives me butterflies and makes me weak in the knees. 

One of my patients came in this week. Her husband passed away in late August. They had been married for 26 years. She talked about him the way I talk about my husband. She said they were joined at the hip, they did everything together, that he was her best friend in the entire universe. Then she dissolved into a fit of tears and apologized 20 times. I told her to not ever be sorry for loving someone so much that it nearly rips her apart to be without him. That kind of love is rare. She will never be the same. She will miss him for the rest of her days on this earth. It broke my heart. 

I’ve lost 4 patients in the past month. I’m still recovering from it. Life is just too short.