Relationships

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Horrible People

Published August 18, 2017 by dividinguplife

I found out the other night that my mother-in-law told someone that I was a horrible person and she wishes that my husband never married me. I’ve been so thrown off by the whole thing that I have had quite a few sleepless nights over it. I can’t figure out why she would say that. I also know her well enough to know that if I confront her with this, she will deny that she ever said it. 

I’m the horrible person that cosigned on a car for her, and then she let it get repossessed after my brother-in-law wrecked it and then “fixed it” himself with the insurance money. She claimed the car was a “piece of shit” and the fun part is, she wasn’t going to tell me that she was returning the car. When my husband and I were over there one day, we noticed the car sitting in the driveway without tags on it. I finally questioned her about it and it was as nonchalant as it could be. As if she were going to the grocery store. Not adding a severe dent into my credit. I can’t afford another car payment – taking on the car for myself wasn’t an option. Plus, I don’t know what kind of damage my BIL did that he didn’t properly fix. Still, I didn’t say anything. I’ve known these people my entire life, and I didn’t want to cause problems between them and my husband. 

This is also a woman that has purposely set two of her houses on fire to collect the insurance money. She did them both within a few years of each other and got a nice little payout. 

And I can’t, for the life of me figure out what I have done to be deemed a “horrible person.” 

I think it’s because my husband doesn’t go to their house very much. He can’t stand to be around his brother, who is drunk as soon as he hits the door in the afternoon. 

Most recently he has started dating his ex-brother-in-law’s wife. She left her husband and took refuge at his house with him and his mom. My brother-in-law is a very predictable man-whore. He’s an alcoholic, a loner, and a momma’s boy. She shelters him and makes excuses for his drinking, claiming he “doesn’t drink that much”. This new addition to his life also drinks and smokes pot like he does, and so it seems they are a match made in alcoholic hell. Neither myself nor my husband want to be around any of that. I guess it’s easier to make me the bad guy in this scenario.

I am also still friendly with my BIL’s ex-wife. She and I had our problems in the past. We had a lot of problems, actually. When she and BIL were married, she accused me interfering with their marriage, and her mother blamed me for the reason behind their split. None of which I had anything to do with. My past with BIL is what always seems to get in the way of everything. Somehow my thirteen year old self is attached to my thirty-two year old self, and nobody realizes that the past is the past. The only person that doesn’t blame me for anything in my past involving my BIL is my husband. 

Still, it’s difficult to know that the family I grew up loving so much as my own family, thinks so poorly of me – and for reasons that I don’t understand and probably never will. It doesn’t seem to hurt my husbands feelings too much to not be over there around them, but I feel like eventually he’s going to have to “choose sides” per se, and when he chooses mine, they will further blame me for whatever issue they have. 

 

As far as the estate things go – I’m pretty relieved at what we found out. Because my step-dad adopted me when I was five, any legal right to be the daughter of my biological dad ended at that point. My half-sister is the sole heir of my dad’s house and all of his belongings. She’s also first in line for Estate Administrator. With that comes the responsibility of making sure all of his debt is paid. Also, she is now responsible for my dad’s mortgage since she has inherited his house. It’s up to her to sell it, break even or take a loss on the cost. She can do nothing and let the state have it. Or she can live in it and make his mortgage payment. This responsibility going to a 23 year old girl that has never had a full-time job and doesn’t even know how to file her own taxes. Now I have to figure out a way to sit her down and explain all of this in a way that her Vyvance induced state can handle.

My husband and I plan to take a cruise in February with some of the money my dad left for me. We never did get a honeymoon, and very rarely have time to take for ourselves. We also want to take a trip somewhere in the states that we’ve never been – just a weekend getaway at a nice hotel. He’s always wanted to go to Vegas. I would like to go to Key West.  Either way, as long as we’re together, it doesn’t matter. 

The Estate Problems Continue …

Published August 10, 2017 by dividinguplife

The law is a tricky thing. I think I have a newfound respect for attorney’s and understand why there are so many different types of attorney’s. I could never remember all of the things they have to remember when it comes to doing everything “by the book” as they say. 

I found out that I cannot be an estate administrator simply because I’m the daughter. Why? Because when my step-dad adopted me, that ended my legal right to proclaim that I am the daughter of my biological dad. Regardless of our time spent together, and his apologies for the past, in the eyes of the law, it doesn’t matter. 

We are still moving forward with the Probate, but having my grandmother do it, instead. She has a better chance of obtaining Estate Administrator than I do, and a better chance of winning against my half-sister should it come to that. As greedy as my half-sisters side of the family is, I have a feeling they are going to want all control of everything, even though my half-sister doesn’t even know how to write a check, much less make sure our dad’s past-due bills and estate matters are paid in full. 

My dad’s girlfriend has decided to give me my check tomorrow. She said she is sick of worrying about the potential disaster that could happen from his ex-wife’s side of the family. I told her if they questioned what he did, they can feel free to come after me for it. I’ll fight to the end on that one. I think my half-sister will get his entire $300,000 (minus taxes) 401k. I have a feeling he didn’t make me beneficiary with her. I know he meant to, but I don’t think he got around to it. She will have a very easy life with that kind of money. It would take me 8 years to make that kind of money. 

I’ve been sleeping like absolute garbage for the past two weeks. But I also read that with the upcoming solar eclipse (here we will see a total eclipse), it’s throwing off circadian rhythm and sleep cycle. That could have something to do with it. I’ve never had this kind of difficulty falling asleep before. 

It’s difficult to not question God as to why He had to take my dad so early. We were just starting to build our relationship after thirty-one years of nothing. I still held him at arms length most of the time, but I was trying, and so was he. Now he’s gone, and the memory that keeps playing over in my head is the day he died, and me going to see him one last time. Everything I hoped for us was gone in that instant. He died knowing that I love him, and I know he loved me in the best way he could. My dad had a lot of ghosts and insecurities that stemmed his entire fifty years. He had abandonment issues from his own father, and my grandmother wasn’t always emotionally stable when he was growing up. She depended on men and when it went wrong, she dissolved into hysteria which affected my dad in so many ways. There’s no blame, only sadness for all of the lost time between us. 

The Heat is On

Published July 17, 2017 by dividinguplife

Last weekend our AC went out. It happened to go out when it was 97 degrees outside. Humidity in North Carolina is atrocious. You can’t breathe outside. I called our landlord three times last Sunday, telling them my grandmother lives with me and has asthma. It did no good. By the time my husband figured out what the problem was, all of the stores were closed, so we had to wait until Monday morning for someone to come out. Saturday night it got up to 78 in the house (I keep the house at 70-71), and Saturday night the house got up to 86 degrees. I slept in the sunroom on Sunday night because it’s closed in with sliding glass doors that are screened, and we have a futon bed out there.

I thought I would be sad sleeping alone in the sunroom last Sunday, because I don’t like sleeping away from my husband. But, I realized that it was no different sleeping out there, than sleeping upstairs with him. We go to bed at different times (him much later than me), we stay on our side of the bed, we have our own comforters. It’s no secret that my husband does no cuddle, so there is no coming to bed to spoon. So, it made me sad to realize that sleeping away from him for the night didn’t bother me because it was no different than both of us sleeping in the bedroom. 

But, I knew this was how he was, going into our marriage. I discovered his lack of physical affection not long after we started dating almost five years ago. It’s still lonely a lot of the time – because we talk all of the time, and laugh and get along – but the physical aspect of our marriage is missing and will always be missing. I try not to complain, because he’s such an amazing guy, but I can’t help how it makes me feel sometimes.

Last night I had a dream about The Abuser. We were in a mall that was getting awfully close to closing time. I remember the food court was dark and it was just all-around eerie. Then suddenly we were in a field full of beautiful purple flowers, and I kissed him and said “I love you” and this his wife opened up some door to somewhere and saw us standing together.

I woke up feeling guilty, even though I can’t control my dreams of him, or what happens. Usually when I dream of him, it’s of his softer side (yes, abusers have softer sides) It may be because yesterday I got a text message from a number I didn’t recognize saying that they didn’t recognize my number and wanted to know who it was. I replied back with my name and asked them who they were. It was The Abuser’s wife. Apparently I wasn’t in the phone under my name. Maybe a different name? I don’t know. I can’t get away from her. I was just like “Oh, okay” and that was the end of it. But she bugs me so much, I just wish she’d walk off the edge of the earth with her homewreckin’ self. After nine years, I should be over what she did, but I don’t think you ever get over it.

We went to pick up my step-children on Saturday. We thought we would have them for three weeks, but my husbands ex-wife is a bitch and only sent enough medicine for my step-son for two weeks, knowing that we would have to give them back if he doesn’t have his medication. That was a bummer. We had a lot of plans for three weeks (originally we were supposed to have them for seven weeks, but she enrolled them in summer sports on purpose.) Now, we are going to take the kids to a water park on Saturday, but that’s about all of the time we will have to do something with them since I work during the week and my husband works until seven at night. 

Women like these two remind me of why I don’t get along with women.

 

Men Aren’t the Only Cheaters

Published July 9, 2017 by dividinguplife

Currently, my husband is watching YouTube videos on cheating wives/girlfriends that get caught. These guys get pretty inventive in how they catch their partners in the act, or how they reveal to their partner that they know. One guy was suspicious and flew his drone high above the house when his wife left one morning, and caught her walking to a CVS for her boyfriend to pick her up. 18 years of marriage, just gone. 

There’s so much stigma attached to cheating, and men that cheat. It isn’t talked about as much, when it’s the woman having an extramarital affair. 

My husbands ex-wife went to another city and fucked a guy she was “dating” on their seven year wedding anniversary. She took her kids with her and did God only knows what with them while she was with this man. My husband had planned to take her to dinner that night, stay in a hotel in town just to get away for the evening – but those things wouldn’t happen. She came home that afternoon, and her son let it slip up that mommy had been hanging out with another guy that day. Despite the proof that was there, my husband refused to admit what was going on, and they continued on with their marriage. A couple of months later, on New Years, while my husband was at work, she packed all of her things, took the kids and moved out of the house. She sent him a text message as she was on the way to her mom’s house, with their kids, three hours away. It destroyed him. 

I remember seeing posts on his Facebook where he said “I just want my wife back” and I sympathized with him. This was way before I had any romantic interest in him. I just knew that Blue Eyes brother was in a lot of pain, and I hoped that he and his ex-wife could work things out. I recall talking to him online briefly about it, and telling him how sorry I was. 

He drank a lot after she left. He went to a lot of bars with friends. He tried to numb the pain. He logged into some online account that was hers (my yearbook, I think) and read where she told all of these men how horrible he was in bed, how boring he was, how much of a piece of shit he was. It destroyed him. She made herself out to be the victim, meanwhile the man she was sleeping with while married to my husband, left her ass high and dry. The grass ain’t always greener, folks. 

My husband and I have been together four and a half years, and married for sixteen months. We’ve known each other for nineteen years. There are still times that the demise of his marriage affects him. He doesn’t think I can see it, but I can. I can see the pain in his eyes. Sometimes he will just want to talk about what she said and did to him – I guess so that I can give him confirmation that he isn’t horrible in bed, that he isn’t some asshole guy. Fact is, he really is fantastic in every department. 

He was married to a woman that worked twenty hours a week, sat on her ass and played video games all day. She never wanted to go on vacations, she never wanted to go out of town, she never wanted to do anything except play Call of Duty or what the hell ever. She didn’t cook, she didn’t clean. My husband worked 50-60 hours a week so that she didn’t have to work full-time. He got up with the kids when they were baby’s and fed them. I will never understand why she left him. He tells me all of the time that it hurt when she did it, but he is glad that she did, because now he see’s what a real marriage is supposed to be like. 

So, these videos are hard to watch, but I guess they are therapeutic in a way for my husband. I think it helps him realize that this hasn’t only happened to him – that there are a multitude of women responsible for the demise of relationships. 

He came home early from work on Tuesday, I guess because he was in the area and took an early lunch, but when he walked in the house, I was sitting in the chair, in the living room painting my nails and watching Riverdale. But as soon as he came in through the kitchen, I could see that he was looking for me. And I could see in his eyes that “look” … you know the one that someone has when they’ve been cheated on before? The unease of not knowing what the hell you’re going to find when you walk in. That’s how I know that he still has some kind of weird PTSD. Like he walks in and wonders if all of my shit will be gone, or if I will be locked in the bedroom with some man. I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t trust me – I think he was just hurt so bad, he almost dreads surprising me by coming home and not knowing what he’s going to walk into. But he has nothing to worry about. He never will. Not when it comes to me. 

It’s too Much, Sometimes

Published June 22, 2017 by dividinguplife

I realized on Tuesday that my husband relies on me more than I ever realized. It’s not a bad thing, but more of an eye-opener of this man that I view as such a strong presence in my life. 

I received a “low balance” account notification Tuesday afternoon at work, which puzzled me. I mean, we didn’t have a lot of money in the bank, but we had enough to where I shouldn’t be getting an email telling me that our account is below 25.00

I logged into our bank account and saw that it was at over negative sixteen hundred dollars. The only thing it said was “account hold”. I called the bank and told them that I thought someone had gotten hold of our account information, and asked them to check into it. 

The lady looked at the hold, and told me that it was a levy on our bank account from the Department of Revenue. Specifically the Revenue Department from the state that my husband lived in before he moved back here two years ago. I called my husband and told him what was going on, and then asked him if he had received any letters in the mail from the State Tax Department. His answer? Yes. Did he read them? Not really. I knew he hadn’t, because had he of read them, he would have known that they were going to put a levy on our account. They give you fair warning. I gave him the number to call the Department to see what they could do. Well, more specifically the creditor that has the account that works with said department. I went back inside to work with the wheels turning on how we are going to make it for another week without money, now that our account has been frozen.

He text me and told me that they won’t release the levy until we pay eight hundred dollars. Well, we don’t have that. Even after we all get paid, we don’t have eight hundred bucks left over once the bills are paid. Back to square one. 

My husband is a very smart man. Let me say that. But things like this? I think the mechanical wheels that turn in his head don’t apply to stressful situations. I think everything just kind of shuts down. Like “Well, we’re screwed. Oh well!” Meanwhile, I’m shuffling possibilities through my head like multiple tabs being open on a computer browser. If we do ‘this’ and ‘this’ will that solve the problem we have of paying our bills? Is it possible to do something like ‘this’ and work around this unfortunate situation?

I put a phone call into a tax attorney for information. I called the bank to find out if I could open up a separate account in my own name (I can), and then told my husband to login to his employer and have the direct deposit stopped to our account, and opt for paper checks instead. 

The attorney called me back yesterday and told me that it wouldn’t financially benefit us to hire them because of the cost associated with that. But he told me exactly what we need to do to work around the creditor with the levy, so that we can have it removed. He was super helpful to me and assured me that they can’t touch my account when I open it, because my name isn’t tied to my husbands tax levy. So now I have to go to the bank on Friday or Saturday morning and get a new account open so that I can provide my employer with an updated direct deposit account. My husbands paychecks will arrive later than the Thursday’s he get’s paid since we have to switch to paper checks. It’s going to screw up our flow a little bit, but we will manage. I’m just thankful this happened after we had already paid our first round of bills for the month. Had it of happened when we had money in the bank, I have absolutely no idea what we would have done. We could have potentially lost our house if I wouldn’t have been able to make the payment.

I take care of my husband’s every need. I fix his plate at night before I go to bed, since he eats later than I do. If I’m still awake when he eats, I heat up his food, or fix it. We spend all of our time together and I have no desire to hang out with people outside of our family. I’m faithful and devoted to him, always. And I know he is to me, as well. In return, he helps with more than his fair share of the household chores. He kills the nasty bugs that I scream and run away from. He gives me space for quiet time when I need to recharge, and we never fight or argue about anything. One year and three months of being married and we haven’t had one single fight. I’m proud of that. 

I just wonder if he realizes how much I take control and solve things that happen. This isn’t the first fire that I’ve had to put out. He owed back taxes to the IRS, and I opted to file together and just get it paid, rather than file as an injured spouse so that I could keep all of my refund. On the flip-side, when I was surprised with that faulty check arrest warrant from 2009, he did everything he could to calm me down and make me feel better – though the thought of going to jail or having anything on my pristine criminal record, nearly sent me into an anxiety attack. 

Even though I don’t have to, I try to prove in small ways that I will never be like his ex-wife. When things get hard, I’m not going to pack up and leave and blast his name all over the state like he’s this horrible person. He isn’t. And he’s now starting to see that his ex-wife is a miserable cow. She’s engaged to some useless blob of a man that won’t work, and is content sitting on his ass and letting her work sixty hours a week. When she was married to my husband, she barely worked twenty hours a week, and played video games all day while my husband worked all day. The tables have turned on that miserable cow. 

Sometimes being the reliable one gets tiresome. People at home, at work, and random strangers often lean on me for support and advice and seem to suck my strength away from me and take it for their own. I take care of my grandmother and all of her medical needs, I’ve packed my grandpa’s house on my own for the past month – I think we are at 75 boxes packed at this point, I pay the bills, I work 40+ hours a week. I have a patient of mine that has cancer and doesn’t have any family. I will pick up and take her medication to her sometimes when she’s too sick to leave her house. You know, things like that. Like, how much can I be stretched? Is there going to come a time when I just crash and fall to pieces? Will there be anyone there to help me if I do? If people lean on you during times of crises, what do they do when the leanee becomes the leaner?

I’ll Fall With Your Knife

Published June 12, 2017 by dividinguplife

 

When I was thirteen (1998), my husband and his brother moved back up north to their home state. I remember listening to this song and daydreaming about the day I would get on an airplane, and fly up there to see my brother-in-law. In my daydream this song would be playing, and I would be coming down the escalator in a cute skirt, with my hair straightened, and there he would be, with his beautiful blue eyes. It would be in that moment that he realized how much he loved me and needed me in his life. 

I made sure that I got my song and my boy in one fell swoop. In 2013 I jumped on a plane and flew my ass up north. As I was getting off the plane, I put my earbuds in and turned on Peter Murphy. I was wearing knee high black boots, a lacy black skirt, a lacy black tank top with a long gray pseudo-jacket-cotton-throw thing that went down past my knees. I came down the escalator and from across the room I could see the brightest blue eyes – eyes that haunted my dreams at night. 

It was the older brother of the boy I’d crushed on for fifteen years. The older brother of my first love, first kiss, first heartbreak. 

I’m sitting here typing this now, and I glance over to my left, and my heart still skips a beat when I see him. 

Andy

I’ve known him for twenty years, but it was only 4 1/2 years ago that I started to see him as something other than the older asshole brother of the guy I was obsessed with. Now? I’d move heaven and earth to keep him by my side. He’s the first man that has made everything I’ve been through, completely worth it. 

Lust for Life

Published May 22, 2017 by dividinguplife

Yesterday was another rough day with my head waging war against my emotions. I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep because I felt like useless garbage. I always seem to feel and do better when I’m at work, helping my patients with their life. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. When I’m at home on the weekend and my husband is working and I’m utterly bored and my mind has time to wander to hell and back, that’s when the demons in my head start telling me all of the shit I don’t want to hear. 

Chris Cornell died from suicide last week. Another amazing person gone from this world because of depression. I sat around and listened to “Sunshower” on repeat while I sat amazed that he took his own life. I’m no stranger to suicide; I tried it when I was a teenager to escape the hell my mother made me live in day after miserable day. I’ve lost friends to suicide and accidental overdoses. I’ve lost friends to murder from spouses. I feel like the people I know are becoming “the people that have died” in faster rates than should be allowed. 

Some dickhead bombed the Ariana Grande Concert in the UK tonight. I can’t even imagine how many children that selfish, senseless, asshat murdered. It has gotten to the point that you can’t even go to a concert and enjoy yourself without having to worry about being murdered by an extremist. This shit isn’t fair. I’m about ready to send an e-mail to God asking Him when he plans on coming back to get us, because this is getting old and very very sad, very quickly. It’s no wonder the birth rate in on a decline. People don’t want to bring children into this shit. Can you blame them? Who wants to risk raising a child in this bullshit? 

A few months ago The Abuser friend requested me on Facebook. I thought “why the hell not?” I have always taken a small pleasure in seeing how his life has turned out since he cheated on me and threw me and my daughter out on our ass. I refrain from commenting very often on things he posts, because his wife is always right behind my comment to make sure her voice is heard. I’d like to say that I don’t know what her damn problem is, but I do know. She knows and she will always have to live with the fact that she was partly responsible for the demise of my relationship with her husband. That nasty, homewrecking skank will always have in the back of her mind that her husband tried multiple times to come back to me, but I wouldn’t let him back in. I mean, I’m not a gluten for punishment, and getting my ass beat again never sounded very appealing. Being verbally abused is not a thing I want ever again. Once I got over the brainwashing of how I would be nothing without him, telling him that we would never be together was a lot easier than I thought it would be. 

But yeah, any time I say anything on his page about something he posts, she’s always there to be loud and proud. She will make sure to call him pet names, or try to sound smarter than me about something that I say. I say nothing in return, I just ignore it and her. 

My daughter’s 13th birthday is right around the corner. I’m really starting to wonder where in the hell time has gone. She was two yesterday. She’s two years away from getting her learners permit. I’ll be 32 in a couple of months. What in the hell is going on here?